That Damned Tanner, Trophy Hexed-Wife 🌀

If I comment on one of your skeets with "vf", don't be confused. It stands for "very funny" and I know it's catching on because people are talking about it, they're talking about it everywhere and nobody thought of it until I did. I'm quite an innovator especially in the area of tech, you know. I kn

Me: When I post, I get nervous no one will think it’s funny My Therapist: We aren’t going to be good at everything, Fiona

Another impossible beauty standard for women

It's like a coke den blew up in my office 😆

If you have a pet rabbit you have to name it Bunjamin I don't @ me I don't make the rules.

ME: *through a mouthful of fries* Imagine if Grimace lost weight. They'd have to start calling him Trimace CASHIER: *into walkie talkie* Security! He's back!!

World War One was the pee war. World War Two was the poo one

Bluesky has four kinds of users

I didn't rescue my dog my dog rescued me *points to a framed picture of a schnauzer defusing a bomb that's strapped to my chest*

In the early 2000s, we all believed in Ja Rule of law.

Sagittarius: People come into your life for a reason, a season or a vendetta.

Who's Technotronic and why were they trying to get Djibouti on the floor tonight, anyway?

Izzy-Elsbeth approved (new) bedding. SOMEONE'S gotta test it!

Is @bornmiserable.bsky.social MIA???

Flashback Friday 1996

is that a corn dog in your pocket or are you just another fool without an emergency corn dog

👇👇👇

Just saw a clip of two gay dudes getting married and I think it’s absolutely disgusting I haven’t been able to find a love like that.

Have you disavowed the International Brotherhood of Boilermakers, Lodge 146?

i never know what to do with my other eye when i wink at people

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly overstated his qualifications on the job application.

As a 44-year-old woman currently going into massive amounts of medical debt to try and survive stage 4 #cancer so I can be here with my kids and husband... 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

riff is short for “terrific chat, best friend”

Therapist: Wow, you're extremely self-aware Me: I know, what meds stop that?

Izzy, dream-borking 🥰

With the Oilers signing a rapist, and with the constant feed of stories of other rapers of women and girls facing minimal (if any) consequences, but continuing to be adored by thousands upon thousands upon thousands of fans, I've decided I'm done with male pro sportsball. Women's sportsball only.

probably going to get motivated just out of nowhere any minute now

I used to be a love machine but now I'm out of ardor.