Jake

Dusting off a classic 🎮

Shaking, crying, throwing up at the thought of the police having to reschedule chair setup for a health and wellness event. Truly, Mamdani does not care how many lives he destroys.

Me and my large adult sons putting in extra shifts at the Racism Factory to save up for a meal at our favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory.

Bolsonaro’s about to be hospitalized with strands of Covid you can’t even imagine.

Can’t help but notice that Abdul El-Sayed has been completely silent on the H3 Podcast situation.

[flustered costanza voice] george is walkin' away from omelas!!!

“We need you to distract Doom, Sandra Voyter from Anatomy of a Fall.”

It’s insane to me that people still doing the “Democrats are the same and/or secretly like all this” bit. It’s terminal Chapo Trap House brain. Deeply unserious and unwilling to engage with reality at the expense of ideology.

It must feel so good as a whaleman to go plump on a flying whale with your sail set in a foggy squall.

I’m so glad nobody cares about Franklin Graham anymore, man. I’d forgotten he existed for like a year before now.

They should make a database of everyone who gets mad at a post like this and permanently strip them of their driver’s license

A student asked where I got something and I said “At the gettin’ place” and she got mad. Probably gonna add that to the rotation of teacher bits.

I can’t believe this is how I found out Chris Pratt is in the Blood Meridian adaptation.

You know that famous Shakespearean tragedy about an old king losing his mind, MacBeth?

I’m sure there are some adults out there making bad decision because therapyspeak rotted their brains, but most of these parents have been waiting all their lives to be Livia Soprano and are mad that their adult children are saying “What? No.”

What

You don’t need two-factor authentication if you’re protected by the healing Blood of Christ.

Cybersecurity? Sounds like lack of faith in God to me.

Obviously not all right wing homophobes are gay but no straight man has ever said the words “bodacious ta-tas.”

Remember when he said he was starting his own political party

Max Attractions Max, ND

Nathan Fielder: Do you understand the joke? Elizabeth Holmes: Some kind of mishap in the scientific process has occurred. Fielder: But did you catch what that mishap was? Holmes: No. I did not. Fielder: He turned himself into a pickle, Liz.

The literacy crisis in America has gotten so dire that many people will admit completely shamelessly that they skip the fiction in the New Yorker

“Say the like, Bart!”

It’s Paxtover

“AI is actually Super Intelligence” yeah right.

Dropping a big hit of acid and going in a tour of the Holy Land with Mike Huckabee.

this is why you should have to be at least 90 years old to run for president. these people haven’t even really found their footing yet. let them navigate their way through what’s known as the “aimless eighties” before taking on the job

I tell you, the sperm whale will stand no nonsense.

With 👏 a 👏 feather 👏 of 👏 the 👏 same 👏 fowl 👏

It’s so weird being in a battleground state now.

Make it stop

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes... what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Occasionally you will hear Lucinda offscreen ask Jason to take out the garbage: “In a minute babe!”, and yet there is no feature for that, just more Skyrim.

>Boot up GTA VI > Complete tutorial driving mission > Character says “Alright, time to go back to my pad and relax.” > He sits on his couch, grabs a controller, boots up The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim > Camera zooms into TV until only Skyrim is showing >The rest of the game is just Skyrim