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They missed the children’s hospital

Worth every penny

Look like tattoos to me: tighten those ropes.

Second coming temporarily postponed. Thoughts and Prayers

Damn military…..😏

No Third Impact today gang

To be expected. Recall what happened to Santa: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SZs...

"Put the SAM crews on alert around 72 hours from now."

😂🤣😅😆 Bahahaha... Brought to you by the administration of: "I haven't heard, I know nothing about it, never met the guy".....

In the beginning… Talk about gaslighting 101?

Yes. How is it messed up, when it was through our own free will that we disobeyed God and gave ourselves over to sin? If you know real love you will understand that it redeems you even through your shortcomings. Sacrificing cattle and sheep did nothing to reconcile us to God.

And Happy Easter to you too!😆😆

Whew! That was close.

D’oh!!

It was either that or he got deported to El Salvador. Probably the better outcome.

Israeli*

Gee zus never existed! You cannot defend the blatant, preposterous fables in the buy bull. Therefore the made up bullshit about gee-zus must also be tossed on the garbage heap with all other fabricated gawds. Www.gawdless.com

Liked posts, followed user.

Pretty sure the SM-6 doesn’t have that kind of ceiling, but now I’m wondering what the ROE would even look like for “incoming messiah.”

What missile system are they pinning this on? Patriot, THAAD, or did Space Force finally get budget for something we don’t know about?

Funny, but it does make me wonder—how robust is current U.S. missile defense against nontraditional threats? Has anyone seriously assessed it outside controlled exercises?

I laughed too loudly at this

Damn, this administration sure is "mistake" prone...

He probably couldn't dodge fast enough on account of being high as balls...

Too bad he wasn’t dressed like this.

Let’s check Signal

Sometimes the funniest satire holds a painful mirror what if the message we keep saying we’re waiting for actually arrived but we were too afraid to recognize it

Jesus actually came back in January. But he was shipped off to El Salvador...ironically

“Behold my children, I bring you everlasting…” (kaboom)

Son of God did not apply for a visa

After Drunkseth's and Leon's gutting of the military, and Diaper Donnie's mishandling of absolutely everything, how did the remaining shreds of the defense systems detect him, react in time, and actually hit the target that far away? It seems highly unlikely. Asking for a Russian president friend

the state department concluded he was working for hamas and also an illegal member of MS-13

😆

Can’t believe you didn’t put it the headline that it was Israel who launched the US missile. Details matter @theonion.com

Some people can't catch a break, can they?

Yeah, well, he does it every year. He needs some new material.

Ooops! that was Republican Jesus! look for Eggs Prices to ...... skyrocket?

Jesus was a Palestinian I guess 👀 (Palestinians include Muslim, Christian and Jewish)

Musk's birth may have been a mistake; his upbringing does not show that he possess one iota of compassion.

The Proud Boys who make "being able to take a joke" their whole personality are gonna seethe at this one.

Trump ruins everything! 😄

bsky.app/profile/5nar...

*nods*

They'll get theirs. They'll have to die first, though.

If Jesus came back they would put him on a cross while using his own name against him.

I don't buy that he was really that progressive. The guy literally said he spoke in parables so that people would not understand or attain salvation. Rather than condemn slavery, he commanded slaves to obey their masters. The parable of the talents is literally prosperity gospel.

That would be ironic: imprisoned on an island named with one of his appellations.

Shouldn't have come like a thief in the night if he didn't want to be shot down ...

Such a good shot, it was a miracle!

Understandable. Some say he’s the one who originally popularized ”woke”.

I'm back!

Funny every time I see it

Funny the "close the border! No more handouts! Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!" crowd thinks they'd be the ones following him not the ones crucifying him

lol

Now we'll have to start replacing crucifixes with missiles in all the churches & wait another 2000 years! That's too much work. Damn. And the New New Testament will be much shorter & less inspiring.

Oopsie?

So Mormons were right. Huh.

Jesus Christ they got Jesus Christ

Isn't this the plot of Evangelion?

Iron Dome of the Rock

" OPERATION SHESUS CONFIRMED: WAS A WOMAN THIS TIME- ABORT ABORT MISSION ACCOMPLISHED BROWNIE!"

Foreign usurper!

If he made it on US soil, he would have been in a third world shit prison faster than you can bless stuff

Golden Domed off

Golden Dome ftw, bitches!

It's fun to remind religious nuts that Jesus was brown and had two dads.

Whew.... Ida been SCREWED.

There was a Palestinian headed straight for us! What were they supposed to do?!

I suspect a nice solar flare will happen before he comes back. God is bigger than any gun or laser. His comes from the sun and will shut down all electronics.

Trump said he knew that he signed up for.

😂

Missing the red cap

That about sums up Maga dumb.

Should have saw that one coming.

Returning Jesus Christ deported by ICE three minutes after landing in US border.

😁😁😁

The truthful meaning behind this satire is very very sad.😥

Shoulda called first

Guess he wasn't a god after all lol. Oops.

That is a fake!

Does anyone stop to think about what it says that our first instinct is to shoot before asking questions? What happens to people on the ground caught between fear and “defense”?

Honestly, wild how quick people are to cheer for missiles without asking who gets caught in the crossfire. If we can't see the bigger picture, what hope is there for anyone trying to make change?

Well then I guess if my sins won’t be forgiven, neither will theirs.

I think even Jesus would laugh at that one, considering he gets taken out by his (perceived) favorite country.

Or rather than missile strike. He takes one look at how f-ed shit is now and decided to just leave us to our doom.

Truth.

No shot our missile defense would be that accurate.

so thats why pope died...

God must hate sending him here, he has no luck at all poor fella. @chrisderry.bsky.social

Bahahahaha

THOSE FOOLS! THAT ONLY MAKES HIM COME BACK TWICE AS STRONG!

Oopsie!!!

Just as well. He would have been crucified by Christians anyway.

Nah, they missed. Got my friend Icarus.

Seems about right

I thought The Onion only dealt in parody....

👊🇺🇸🔥

who will fill his dirty shoes

This is what happened when you don’t pay Dear Leader’s tariffs

Good. Once was more than enough.

at least TELL SOMEONE you're coming

second coming

He was a convicted felon trying to enter the country illegally.

Thank Christ for Trump’s iron dome

The orange one 🙏

this made me laugh way too much

Too soon.

serves that leftist globalist palestinian jew right, I'm tellin' ya!

The more likely outcome if he were landing in modern America is ending up in an Ecuadorian chain gang.

Now that’s I call “music of the spheres”.

What historically accurate text exists beyond the ‘bible’ that Jesus ever existed

Heading to Salt Lake City? Bad news for a lot of evangelicals and other denominations. And, it's okay, he'll come back in three days.

every year this happens, and every year we slip further into hell.

Shoot first and ask immigration enforcement questions later. Admittedly Jesus did not have a visa or a reservation at a Trump hotel. Immigration was reasonably concerned Jesus might take a job working with the poor.

Easter iron grid is in working order! MAGA! 😭😭😭

FOX NEWS: DT states @ WH Corporate Easter party, “Today we celebrate Pontius Pilate, some say the greatest governor of Rome EVER who much like me made his country great again by executing the leftist, socialist extremest named Jesus. He was a nasty man. I myself hv deported many Jesus’ myself.” MAGA