Autotuned

Just got your text. Are we still on for last night?

Just assume I’m “maxxing” every stupid ass post I throw up on here

My train of thought just wrecked

Even if you've only done the Macarena once, you're still a carrier

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

You don’t know me. You don’t know the things I’ve seen or the number of times I’ve cursed a lawnmower.

Hold me closer, reply guy romancer

Anagrams about particle physics give me a hadron.

Recreational flonase

How do I get my address on the “houses to avoid while trick or treating” list??

Fyi, Costco sells 60 lb buckets of honey.. if you’re into that sort of thing

I don’t want to say I’m addicted to soda, but when I chose a primary care physician, I chose one because his name was Dr. Pepper

Feeding my idiot venus fly trap raisins

Yeah well if you think my subject & verbs disagree often, you should meet the rest of my personality.

How do you know if you’re lazy or just into doing nothing?

My freak flag features a goat rampant on a field of broken dreams.

Finally!

(turning my makeshift bikini top into a makeshift shoulder sling) I’m MacGyver.

Dessert chicken cutlets should be a thing

Rush hour gonna be LIT!

I’d assume oysters are offended by pearly gates

Buckle up folks… Anthropic is reportedly aiming for the biggest IPO of all time as soon as November, at a valuation of up to $2 Trillion…. Shit’s about to get real

Simply answering “yes” when a woman asks you if you know what your problem is, will only make your problem worse

My sleep number is 4 gummies

I used to stand in line for hours to get concert tix. Now I don’t even have the patience for my phone to refresh

I don’t need fun to have alcohol

I don’t know, maybe the ghost rearranged your furniture because she’s an interior designer?

She's a 10 but dresses like a whore at the gym

Can’t. Making little sweaters for all my grievances.

It's incredible how much I can't get done when I put my mind to it.

And for the lady, nothing that spikes her cortisol

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the tiger looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

This is a load-bearing espresso shot.

It's very difficult to explain what I'm doing here to normal people

My DNA results confirmed I'm 23% Filipino, 27% Mexican, and 50% the plastic covering on my grandma’s couch.

No carbs left behind!

Looking for the fuse on this bathbomb