☢️🎃 Captain Antagonist ☢️🎃 (Halloween Name)

Hard times are created by weak men in boardrooms who choose profit over the people who generate it.

Keep it professional by never speaking to me.

All my “best” stories are just personal tragedies embellished with a laugh and a smile.

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

I’ll say it: it shows what disgusting pigs Americans are that they eat their cheesecake right there at the factory instead of waiting for it to be delivered to a store or restaurant

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

I can't be social right now, I'm making up names for my imaginary skiing monkeys.

Already dreading my shift at the Murphy's Law factory.

Sometimes letting go means being a cool guy and walking away from the explosion. Twenty people died. That's how memories are made.

What's new Scooby Doo? The waves of entropy washed over the Mystery Machine, it just sits outside rusted from years of neglect. Velma died years ago, Fred got a sex change, Scrappy murdered seven people. The heat death of the universe is coming, and it won't be old man Jenkins.

I'm like an onion because I'll make you cry, also the having layers thing too I guess.

A guy named Ed with erectile dysfunction would just be too on the nose and should never happen.

Reciprocation is sexy, pass it on.

The end in the word friendship is there as an example, that's what my best friend Mr. Choppy Head told me.

Always the bridesmaid, mever the priest performing the baptism of fire

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades

If two subs go on a dinner date, must they stay at the table until someone else gives them permission to move?

Reverse clowngirl because I slipped on a banana peel

you turn my heart into a soup of plasma

Make this season magical by getting a swamp witch to cast a hex that brings about the fall of humanity.

No, don't throw me under the bus. You're so sexy. Also, buses unlock my forbidden powers.

what's the true meaning of halloween and why is it dressing like a slutty crayola

Any party can be a sausage party if you hijack the Weinermobile.

I have got everyone trained to think I am a fall-for-anything sucker. My dog will ring her bells to go outside at three am and then just want to chase a tennis ball in the complete dark. I don't know why she thinks I will do it, other than the thirty-seven times I have done it before

I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Double Negative

flying cars ? what’s next sitting ducks ahahaha gtfo

It's nice when people die before they have a chance to become Morrissey or Billy Corgan.

Told him I was here if he needed a shoulder to cum on

I’m always racing home to do all the nothing I can

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

Steven: “Good evening” Stephen: “Good ephening”

When youre just about to delete your shitpost but someone you have a crush on just liked it

AI killed me and buried my corpse underneath a data center in Wyoming.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your attention?

this skeet will not reach any commercial success, but will be available for streaming immediately

I'm all for the right to say stupid things online, BUT anyone who disagrees me should be executed.

The cops busted me for possession of nitrous oxide but I had the last laugh

All we are is dust in the wind. The Planeteers have gone rogue. Captain Planet is dead. Kansas is nothing but a giant data center. Dust in the wind.

If you like my post online, you die in real life