David Bell

Due to Meta's new policies which allows for hate speech and misinformation, this will be my only social account going forward.

This is the level of petty that I aspire to.

I once held in a fart longer than Katie Zacharia was press secretary. Both are impressive for exactly opposite reasons.

Laying in bed because I can't sleep. I've been listening to this audiobook and I was sitting here wishing I could play it without disturbing anyone. I thought "they should have a subtitles option". I just invented books!

Platonic? Like the river George Washington crossed?

10/10 no notes

Never met a living person who could play the xylophone with any proficiency but somehow every single skeleton is playing their own ribs at a virtuoso level. Makes no sense.

"I checked out his ass" - me describing donkey shopping

I am at my most "I have commitment issues" when ordering at Dairy Queen. They need a sampler platter.

I forgot to snap the tongs before I barbecued once and my whole family got sick for a week

What happened to Trump's bot armies? Zelensky got your tongue?

She's a 10 but that's just how many toes she has so that's pretty average

Fairy tale homophones: The Aunt and the grasshopper. I had an aunt who drank a lot of grasshoppers. She was a drunk, but had minty breath. The end

Grandma Moses didn't pursue her love of painting until age 78. It's never too late! Sir, you are 54. You cannot compete in the little league world series.

The Autocorrect Genie gave me a magic carport and 1 millions doll hairs

y'all ever feel like icarus pushing a big ball of wax up a hill towards the sun?

People, she seems nice. You heard her, Don't date her.

yeah the party starts at 9 but we're not cutting the big newton until 10:30 so come thru whenever

a flash mob where we all start crying at the same time

I really like Abdul El-Sayed. Every time I watch him speak he really puts forth his points and ideas in common sense ways. I hope to the shiny eternal being of your choice that he wins in November.

My granddaughter just taught me that overalls have a built in macaroni and cheese pocket and I feel like I have wasted a lot of my life not owning overalls.

Still generating engagement!

The More you know

I love so many... But "Jesus was not a good carpenter" is definitely one of my favorites.

Is it just me, or is allowing an increased military presence within your borders to a country who said they were going to take control of yours, a bad idea?

Strong leadership isn't about knowing all of the answers. Strong leadership is being able to listen to the right experts at the right times. Knowing you aren't the best person for every situation, but knowing who is the best person for each situation. Someday we may have that again.

This is like if my neighbor's house was on fire and I presented him with a bill for the repainting I will have to do because the smoke discolored my paint.

Long beard guys never warn you about the wind and how weird it feels when your beard catches it.

This is bad for Republicans. Trump wasn’t supposed to molt into his final form until after the midterms.

Pass. It. On. 😎✨

He didn't rebrand the department of defense because there wasn't going to be wars...

👇🏽

But, remember when Obama wore that Tan suit?

It's almost like thoughts and prayers aren't solving anything.

"It wasn't pedophilia because the minors weren't minory enough" ~ Megyn Kelly

🤷🏻‍♀️

Not one word in any news source about how unsafe it is to increase the import of beef from m Venezuela after all the cuts were made to food inspection.

I hate giving up things I enjoy... But I hate fascism more. #GoodByeDisney #GoodByeHulu

Even then they’ll kidnap you off of the streets if you dare have tattoos and not the right colour.

Happy 4th America... We had a good run.

I don’t think anyone is prepared for what they just did w/ ICE. This is not a simple budget increase. It is an explosion - making ICE bigger than the FBI, US Bureau of Prisons, DEA,& others combined. It is setting up to make what’s happening now look like child’s play. And people are disappearing.