Isabel Zaw-Tun

The hairdresser holds up the mirror so I can see the back of my haircut but she accidentally uses the mirror that reveals how you die. I see my 80-year-old self tumbling down a hill after slacklining for the 1st time. I never know how to react in these situations, so I just mumble "wow I love it"

Wow yet another classic case of false advertising

walking through the park, saw a dog barking at a squirrel. Its owner bent down to admonish it, saying “watch your language!“ listen lady, if your dog sees a squirrel he should be allowed at least one “fuck you.” I think that’s fair

When you get to heaven the first thing they ask you is “which Studio Ghibli house would you like to live in”

Girls don‘t like to be choked THAT much we just yearn for proper lymphatic drainage

How your email finds me:

Movies shouldn't have a "dreamlike quality". I'm awake for a reason!

I've invented a new font where every letter is replaced by a 3200x2400 pixel jpeg of a giant tropical centipede. Now to use it to write a letter of resignation to a company I haven't worked at for 8 years

I don’t want to KILL MYSELF I just want everyone in my life to realize they should have appreciated me more!! Why can’t they invent THAT

Hello here is something I wrote! I might write more! medium.com/@isabelzawtu...

My girl Ciara is the only one with a blue name on the Wikipedia page I know that’s right

whoever named them anteaters really nailed it

This looks like Joe Rogan drowned & they didn’t find the body for a few days

Gf wants me to shave my beard in case I’m hiding a double chin. I WISH I was hiding a double chin. Instead I’m hiding a secret upside-down 2nd face of the twin I absorbed in utero. Which wouldn’t be so bad except the face looks exactly like my gf. And it hates her. I’m afraid it will try to bite her

Sitting normal

Me after getting my nails freshly done: my hands are too small. Maybe if I wave them in front of people’s faces Me when my nails are chewed up, dirt road, choppy chippy dusty garbage: You could see my slovenliness from outer space. I need to have my hands surgically removed

For when you need to move to a non extradition country

When your sleep paralysis demon is the embodiment of settler colonialism

my friend: are you going to art's party tonight? seems like you've got a lot going on me: I don't know, i feel like i got to since he's always at mine the medieval peasant i brought to our time on his second bag of guacamole doritos: might we stop for a second "jimmied john" me: sure man i guess

If Justin Trudeau can go to Coachella at 54 then I should be allowed to use the IKEA ball pit at 35. It’s simply the law of mathematics

Train was 20+ minutes late and as everyone filed in, the conductor was yelling “no shoving, everyone be nice! Everyone please be nice!” Guess what country I live in

our patience has been rewarded

thinking about transmuting my belief in the resiliency of institutions into uncritical hero worship of a specific dude. might sublimate my entire political ideology into the whims of some guy

[the inventor of ADHD meds making their pitch] ok imagine: methamphetamine!! that you take so you can answer emails

When the kitchen in your shared workplace has a really good spoon

HER: *puts cherry in mouth and seductively pulls out stem perfectly tied into a knot* ME: *puts hand in box of Bugles and seductively pulls out bugles perfectly balanced on each finger*

really starting to understand why that old woman left it all behind to go live in a shoe

[on my deathbed] I should have… I should have posted more. I had- [coughs] I had so many takes

Porn guy: anybody order a pizza? Extra large pepperoni sausage? *tears off shirt to reveal the biggest reddest areolas you’ve ever seen*

the barber does not own your hair. you are well within your rights to take all the clippings with you when you leave

Guess I'm just built different (vestigial tail)

I don’t know which team won the superbowl and frankly I don’t care to know. I will never find out

on the one hand I feel plagued with terrible writer’s block but on the other hand I think anyone for whom jokes are currently flowing like wine should be treated VERY suspiciously

Terrible day for this man