Jack

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com

Vivek Ramaswamy and his hair were on Fox & Friends this morning defending his vile attack ad

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

- Could be found on the second to last line of an optometrist’s vision chart - The eighth US president if all of the letters in his name were U’s and V’s - Answer key to a test with several multiple-choice questions followed by one true-or-false question buff.ly/zlLH4L9

buff.lyCrossword Clues Where It’s Clear the Puzzle’s Creator Got Themselves into a Jam Letter-wise- The National Association of Xylophone X-Ray Zebra Paleontologists, briefly - The sound a chicken bone may make when accidentally dropped into a garbage dis...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Some on the left will argue that fascism is an ideology, not a grooming preference. This is an interesting point, but it raises more questions than it answers. If we remove the mustache from our definition of Nazism, where does that leave us?" buff.ly/SQwmock

buff.lyDavid Brooks Knows a Nazi When He Sees One“As history shows, Nazis indubitably sport a compact, severe little brush of hair, clipped with almost bureaucratic precision and planted beneath the nose to...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Following several productive and extremely graphic discussions with Secretary of Health Robert Kennedy Jr., the White House has been repeatedly assured that it is not a biological necessity for women to engage in the traditionally masculine act of pooping." buff.ly/UccjMBr

buff.lyBy Executive Order, I Hereby Outlaw Pooping by All American Women“Following several productive and extremely graphic discussions with Secretary of Health Robert Kennedy Jr., the White House has been repeatedly assured that...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"As history shows, Nazis indubitably sport a compact, severe little brush of hair, clipped with almost bureaucratic precision and planted beneath the nose... Yet this defining characteristic is conspicuously absent from our politics today." buff.ly/SQwmock

buff.lyDavid Brooks Knows a Nazi When He Sees One“As history shows, Nazis indubitably sport a compact, severe little brush of hair, clipped with almost bureaucratic precision and planted beneath the nose to...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and take a walk through the carnage." buff.ly/2vXkd3o

buff.lyI Love When the Leaves Turn Beautiful Colors and Fall to Their Deaths“Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and ...

Points in Case@pointsincase.com

Put it on the table. Let it sweat. Nothing you do here will matter.

pointsincase.comShould You Bring an Iced Coffee to a Job Interview? Who Cares, We’re All Going to DiePut it on the table. Let it sweat. Nothing you do here will matter.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

Semi-regular, mostly-always annoying reminder that much of the work we do is supported by our readers through our Patreon. As little as $3 a month goes a long way to keep us from having to resort to advertising and Ponzi schemes. Please consider becoming a patron! buff.ly/XwR5ZOG

buff.lyGet more from McSweeney's Internet Tendency on PatreonBecome a member of McSweeney's Internet Tendency on Patreon. Join for free or become a member for just $3/month. Since our start in 1998, McSweeney’s…

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"While Charlie Brown did once again accelerate toward the ball, miss it entirely as Lucy pulled it away, flip backward through the air, and land violently with a disquieting crunch, we do not believe that now is the time for a dramatic change in kicking strategy." buff.ly/X2RjqP5

buff.ly“Charlie Brown Must Stay the Course”: A Football Kick Autopsy Report by the Democratic Party“While Charlie Brown did once again accelerate toward the ball, miss the ball entirely as Lucy pulled it away, flip backward through the air, and land violen...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

Sup = Hey Down 2 hang tomorrow? = Are you free this Friday? Not looking for anything serious = I’m only asking because I’m looking for someone But we could still have fun = To drive me out into the woods R u on Snapchat? = And dig a hole buff.ly/DLBZmPI

buff.lyGIRL CODE: What He Texts vs. What He Really MeansNot looking for anything serious I’m only asking because I’m looking for someone But we could still have fun To drive me out into the woods R u on Snapchat? ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Even now, some amongst you still say, 'Surely, God would not want me to put a vaccine into the body He gave me.' To which I say: Whateth the actual fucketh?" buff.ly/eifDNoc

buff.lyAn Important Vaccine Update from the Lord Thy God“Vaccines were supposed to be on the tablets the whole time. Wild, right? But, in My defense, I had just created heaven and earth, and parted the Red Sea, an...

Meg Reid@meg-it-happen.bsky.social

Check out my latest in @mcsweeneys.net especially if you like to back it up, get low, and/or drop it like it's hot but also have an orthopedist!!

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

// WE ARE // // UX LUNATICS // METH HEADS OF HUSTLE // DESIGN INFLUENCERS // INFLUENCE DESIGNERS // FLAX FLEXERS // FLIX FLUXERS // FAX FIXERS // IMPACT COBBLERS // UNTRADITIONAL DEGENERATES // STEVE //... www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

mcsweeneys.netThe “About Us” Page of Every Digital Media Agency// CREATORS // PRODUCERS // CREATOR-PRODUCERS // VISIONOPOLISTS // IDEATIONISTS // DREAM FLUFFERS // CANTSTOPWONTSTOPPORTUNISTS // SCHEMATICS FREAKS // UX LU...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Rarity is really just an inventory problem. If there is only one copy left, the efficient move is to make it infinitely reproducible and immediately unavailable to anyone without a subscription." buff.ly/uz8GBcL

mcsweeneys.netI’m the Guy Who Destroys Antique Books After We Scan Them into Our Company’s Insatiable AI Platform“One minute, they are a treasured record of human thought. The next, they are twelve searchable megabytes and a manageable quantity of mixed paper strips goi...

Oliver Darcy@oliverdarcy.bsky.social

Scoop: Bari Weiss is throwing her full support behind CBS News' widely-panned report about Abdul El-Sayed's old mundane tweets which referenced 9/11—but within the network, the story isn't being received so well. Details in @status.news: www.status.news/p/cbs-news-e...

status.newsCBS’ El-Sayed ScandalThe Bari Weiss-led outlet is being pummeled by a storm of outrage over a story about Abdul El-Sayed—and Status has learned that within the network, some staffers have raised the matter with standards.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

From the Redacted Fish (Coregonos epsteinfilens) to the Lamprey Assistant (Petromyzon harpius), this guide has you covered on all the new invasive wildlife living in and around Lake America. buff.ly/sB3J3EX

mcsweeneys.netA Field Guide to the Wildlife of Lake AmericaFrom the Redacted Fish (Coregonos epsteinfilens) to the Lamprey Assistant (Petromyzon harpius), this guide has you covered on all the new invasive wildlife l...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"One minute, they are a treasured record of human thought. The next, they are twelve searchable megabytes and a manageable quantity of mixed paper strips going into one of several large, welcoming bins marked 'DESTROY.'" www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...

mcsweeneys.netI’m the Guy Who Destroys Antique Books After We Scan Them into Our Company’s Insatiable AI Platform“One minute, they are a treasured record of human thought. The next, they are twelve searchable megabytes and a manageable quantity of mixed paper strips goi...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

“Hey, Meat,” I say. The glasses start to slide down my nose. Not because of the soft hamburger patty they’re made of, which is quite comfortable, but because I’m sweating profusely. “What are some gift ideas for my mother?” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/all...

mcsweeneys.netAll the Things My New Meat Glasses Can Do“Wow, they’ve really done it. You can’t see the camera under the ground beef at all. In fact, they look like high-fashion glasses made of raw, Grade A ground...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Before you blame Taylor Farms for whatever is presently rocketing through your alimentary canal, consider the possibility that human digestion is complicated and causation is difficult to establish." buff.ly/dep4B7Z

mcsweeneys.netWhen You Really Think About It, Everything Makes You Poop (by Taylor Farms)“Today, everyone sees the name Taylor Farms and suddenly becomes the Hercule Poirot of the commode. You had our guacamole at noon. You experienced what you d...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Today, everyone sees the name Taylor Farms and suddenly becomes the Hercule Poirot of the commode. You had our guacamole at noon. You experienced what you describe as a bowel emergency of unprecedented violence at 12:07. Case closed, you say."

mcsweeneys.netWhen You Really Think About It, Everything Makes You Poop (by Taylor Farms)“Today, everyone sees the name Taylor Farms and suddenly becomes the Hercule Poirot of the commode. You had our guacamole at noon. You experienced what you d...

Christopher Monks@crmonks.bsky.social

The NYTimes + The Odyssey + Ezra Klein + “Judeo-Christian” = JFC

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"By the end of the year, we aim to have 200% more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words 'the intolerant left' and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages."

Oliver Darcy@oliverdarcy.bsky.social

Scoop: I’m told that Ross Douthat is exiting The NYT and is expected to take a role at “60 Minutes.” News expected to be announced soon.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Whatever you think being a member of this club entails, I strongly believe I wouldn’t be disguising bear traps with leaves and setting up a speaker that plays the sound of a distressed woman begging for help if we had politicians in office who uplifted those less fortunate."

buff.lyMy Critics Are Missing the Nuance of My Membership in the Wealthy People Hunting Poor People for Sport Club“Over the last couple of years, I’ve been focused on making a positive impact on how the future unfolds, especially in tech, AI, and which areas of the body ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend its tired text and interpret the super-secret invisible version that tells you exactly what you want to hear."

buff.lyThe US Constitution Is for Simple Folk Still Burdened by the Belief That Words Have Meaning“Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend its tired text and interpret the super-secret invisible version that tells you exactly what you want to hear."

buff.lyThe US Constitution Is for Simple Folk Still Burdened by the Belief That Words Have Meaning“Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, civic pilgrimage, or the weigh-in for a nationally televised cage match bloodsport. It was simply water."

buff.lyAn Open Letter to the Dead Duck Seen Floating In the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool“You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"It can be an overwhelming experience when the external sound processor is first turned on. It's a lot for her brain to acclimate to. That's why I'm going to start off with 'Fabienk,' which is kind of a good gateway song if you’re just getting into these guys."

buff.lyThis Is the Part of Your Baby’s Cochlear Implant Procedure Where I Show Them Angine de Poitrine“It can be an overwhelming experience for your baby when the external sound processor is first turned on. It’s a lot for her brain to acclimate to. That’s wh...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

Step Thirteen: Extend ceasefire shortly before expiration, citing productive talks. If the enemy points out that there haven’t actually been any productive talks, double down. You must make it clear that you do not bow down to truth.

buff.lyThe Art of the Nuclear DealStep Seven: Threaten to destroy their entire civilization, preferably via your own social media platform. Make it clear that you do not want that to happen, ...

Kevin M. Kruse@kevinmkruse.bsky.social

Never mind that Vance got conned, the fact that the vice president saying he heard second-hand from the president's son-in-law and the president's real estate buddy that the strait was open is humiliating on its own.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the eternal nature of my punishment, and the fact that Hades has not technically agreed to alter any terms."

buff.lyI, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"NEW EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IS FOZZIE BEAR. FOZZIE ASKS TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' AND THEN, WHEN SUBJECT REFUSED TO ANSWER, FOZZIE SAY, 'Wocka wocka,' WHICH IS INDUSTRY TERM FOR ACCOUNTABILITY."

buff.ly“NEWS MAN BAD”: A Personnel Memo from Animal, Your Editor-In-Chief“MEETING WITH NEWS MAN GO BAD. NEWS MAN SPEAK LOUD. NEWS MAN SAY THINGS. NEWS MAN DEFEND JOURNALISM LIKE JOURNALISM CAN BE SAVED FROM ANIMAL’S LARRY ELLISON ...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net

"Yes, I know that Grammie died five years ago. But you know who doesn’t know that? Verizon. She has automatic payments set up that connect to some bank account that we also don’t have access to."

buff.lyI’m Sorry, Sweetie, You Can’t Have a Cellphone Because I Don’t Know How to Add You to Grandma’s Family Plan“You see, when I was your age, my mother (Grammie, to you) added me to a family plan, which meant that my phone costs were included in her bill. Your father’...