Lance Said This

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison. Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens. Me: I'M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Just throwing this out there, but I imagine a bunch of you are LA based. Anyone want to grab a coffee or happy hour? I'm at 7 for my social media meetings, but I'm due for another!

ME: I like a little wine now and again. FRIEND: You drink 2 bottles a night. ME: Yes, I like it now. And then I like it again.

Sometimes I feel weird about having a maid, like I'm too good to do any of that stuff myself. I dunno, maybe I'll ask my butler what he thinks.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

OFFICER: Do you have any weapons on you? ME: Just this bad boy... [Shows him the sick tattoo of a cannon on my arm.]

Have you ever been sitting around the house and then suddenly think, "why the hell am I wearing pants?"

Your meals might be technically lean but how dare you call them cuisine

Yo! I'm Chris Columbus, capisce?! It's my day, fuggedaboutit!

You should be able to get out of speeding tickets by describing how the song you were listening to made you feel

Just know, when I die, my chalk outline added 10 pounds.

how can I trust you if you run away every time I untie you

I hydrate so you don't have to

Have you ever gone to someone's TimeLine, forget and think you're just scrolling your regular TL, then start liking and Re-Posting a bunch of Posts but realize too late that none were from that person because theirs were all awful? Well, someone just did it to me.

Person: So, how would you describe yourself? Me: Verbally, I guess.

Had their financial situations been reversed and the breaks in their career paths gone a different way, we might very well have been drinking MR. Pepper and DR. Pibb.

The closest I've got to a hug this year is when I snuggled under the lead blanket when my dentist took x-rays. 🫤

Around these parts it's called Skeeturday, the day we reply to contest posts like this one with a link to one of our own skeets or a friend's skeet. Multiple judges will be awarding their favorites with a shiny trophy from @fancytrophyaccount.bsky.social! Like and repost this skeet or else.

Watching this Texas-Tennessee game, and I hope a player in an 86 jersey doesn't stand next to someone in a 47 jersey or they're gonna get arrested.

Instead of turning these empty stores into Spirit Halloweens for the fall, let's bring back a few Blockbusters.

I tell ya, you can never know what's gonna happen in life. Why, just this morning I got a job reading people's fortunes!

This, too, shall pass. Like a kidney stone

is that a corn dog in your pocket or are you just another fool without an emergency corn dog

I just saw the sexiest woman ever on the city bus, and the fact she was riding public transpo kind of made her hotter. Anyway, the Metro signs say, "when you see something, say something."

The first rule of Overexplaining Club is you do not talk about Overexplaining Club because this is a secret club and we want it to stay a secret, but if you talk about it then people will know it exists, thus ruining the secrecy.

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Instead mistake it for me not having a raging case of diarrhea. And, completely off the subject, my good friend, may I please kindly use your restroom?

It is not my business to find Waldo. I am already busy not starting forest fires.

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

Organic, free range, cage free, paid a living wage chickens or I’ll just have the ethically mashed potatoes

"What if I've been lied to all along," he wondered. "What if that girl I've been talking to on the internet -- who most likely is a guy -- hasn't been 'laughing out loud' at all."

I'm glad football has finally started because I was getting tired of only being disappointed by my baseball team.

I’ve started to go to bed earlier so I have more time to toss & turn

In all seriousness, props to the Little Teapot. If I was short and stout, I'd be too self-conscious to sing about it.

Just had some dental work done and my jaw is still numb, so if anyone had been wanting to punch me in the face, now is a good time for me.

I wonder if mobsters with Alzheimer's are walking around saying, "Aye... I forgoddabout it."

Funny how we're all celebrating our "labor" this weekend considering what crappy employees we've become ever since we discovered Social Media.

Sometimes I realize I'm just an L.A. 4 buying a 6-er at a 7-11 at 2am.

“lol I’m SUCH a Carrie,” I say as a bucket of pig’s blood spills all over me.