Fomo Simpson

I just went dark mode and now I'm being chased by goth kids.

(•_•)   They did the Monster Mash <)   )> /    \ \(•_•)  The Monster Mash (   (> /    \ (•_•)/  It was a graveyard smash <)   ) /    \ (•_•)  They did the Mash <(   (>   /    \ (•_•) √( (> It caught on in a flash / \

Every time I call my quantum mechanic he’s conveniently found some expensive new entanglement within the atoms of my car.

"Good evening." "That's where you're wrong."

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator, these are the days of our lives.

I'm old enough that I had a paper route as a kid. Kids these days just throw ipads at people's doors

what's the true meaning of halloween and why is it dressing like a slutty crayola

🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Well, time for me to feel cold all the time

Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’ theonion.com/pelicans-ann...

"So long, suckers," I sobbed. I loved those suckers. I'd miss them terribly

I just found out Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman

Another day that two large coffees in the morning, didn't stop my heavy after lunch nap

Excuse me, but this funky medina is tepid.

Some super hot people in the grocery store this morning what say we take a chance and turn this into a polymarket

it's called gossip maybe you've overheard of it

Hang up my pic in your Bluesky locker so I know it’s real

I’m a strong independent woman but it’s hand lotion season; so if you could turn this doorknob for me, that would be great

i never know what to do with my other eye when i wink at people

*takes a drag off my candy cigarette and tells the neighborhood kids…yeah we didn’t have water bottles and had to actually pedal a bike

a disney cover band called beauty and the beastie boys

it's called getting the worm early maybe you've bird of it

Do you disavow the apple dumpling gang

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the tiger looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

A guy just told me “this is why we choose the beer” and I can’t even be mad at him fr

It's my understanding that, this afternoon, the sexy girls are at Denny's, stealing each other's appetizers and weighing the pros and cons of different weapons in a zombie outbreak

it takes a village to raise an idiot

i'm just a cat looking for that missing pspsps of my heart

do you denounce the sultans of swing

lottery tickets are just expensive napkins

Ever bite your tongue and think, do I really need this thing?

Broke up with Ellen on our walk through the corn maze. It's been an awkward 2 hours.

Your 3 minute reels are tearing this family apart

Shorty didn't get low. Shorty tried, got middle, then slowly got higher and pretended that she didn't just hurt her back

haven’t been sold one of those big tins with three different types of popcorn in it in a while, hope they didn’t go extinct

Life is just one improv game after another.

make a celebrity sick Matt Damontia

Just know, when I die, my chalk outline added 10 pounds.