Mark Berrong

Settle a bet: do vampires suffer from IBS?

If you put your kid's college funds into a trump account, you deserve to get fleeced

Coming on two weeks to the midterms. It's almost time for a migrant caravan or a new fake assassination attempt.

The difference between a catacomb and a basement is skulls. Catacomb without skulls? Thats a basement. Skulls in your basement? Thats a catacomb. Tired of having to keep saying this

every squad has the oblivious homie. except mine i guess

Herman Melville: Imagine a whale. Fuck you, it’s way cooler than that.

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can and incredible new powers to change the things I can't.

I got chills

Blew off work, went to The Veil instead

In the seventh month of the second year of the second term, the heat will become unbearable, the skies will turn red, and bowels will loosen across the land.

Michael Fanone's take on Lindsey Graham is one of the most powerful I've read:

Black Camaro flying through traffic on my way to work this morning, zooming way too close with no turn signals. Pulled over by a trooper immediately after passing me. 10/10 gonna be a good day.

There is no universe where Walton Goggins shops at Walmart

Donald Trump has been in office for 2% of the last 250 years of presidents but has added 28% to the national debt.

The reflecting pool can still be blue, if Mike Pence has the courage.

You really think IT will happen between now and… Oh, the Knicks, right, the Knicks, got it.

Jalen Brunson: “You’re allowed to think about the worst possible scenario. But you gotta go out there and do something about it.” A good mantra for fighting fascism too.

Portland bar and club managers talk about "It" happening like medieval Europeans talked about Prester John. Times are bleak now, lads, but one elderly man's failing organs are all that stand between us and 150 million Americans launching a drinking binge.

This asshole has been taking a conference call at the airport bar for the last twenty minutes

Holy shit

Average GOP Congressman: We err...uhhh...don't uh need uh...oversight of the DoD because uh...we trust the President to decide what's best Donald Trump: I AM JESUS CHRIST RETURNED TO EARTH THE POPE ISN'T MAGA AND HE'S WEAK ON NUCLEAR WEAPONS I AM GOING TO BUILD A HOTEL ON THE MOON

Whoops, maybe benching three plates isn’t a good qualification for secretary of defense

Dr. Pulaski, I believe your earlier claim to be wrong. It only takes one Klingon warrior to change a light bulb. There is no ritual. Worf

At the Nevermore film festival in Durham, NC last weekend, I was lucky enough to catch America's sweetheart @billcorbett.bsky.social in Joe Scrimshaw's "Dead Media." Really fun horror-comedy!

The rot used to be more metaphorical, right?

We have lost a decade of our life to an evil idiot…a dolt. A moron. One of the most racist and dumbest humans on the planet. 10 years.

Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? “ate too much blood at dinner feel like I’m gonna bleh” is exactly the kind of thing Dracula would say. Not funny. Some of us haven’t forgiven him for his many crimes

Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

🚨 Epstein survivors release this powerful PSA in advance of the Super Bowl demanding answers from the Justice Department. This is the Super Bowl ad every American should see. Spread it everywhere.

The American people electing Trump after he staged a coup attempt 5 years ago was a nail in the coffin of our democracy. You can rationalize it all you want - But inflation! But wokeness! - but ultimately it was a societal suicide attempt and probably the dumbest collective voting decision ever made

Let's not forget, millions of Americans voted for Trump. They are our fellow citizens. So regardless of where we stand politically, it is imperative to reach out and tell each and every one of them that they are stupid fucking assholes.

Kalen Dion is not wrong. 😳👇

Instead of watching Trump's speech tonight, watch a Rob Reiner movie!

Just a heads-up: if I don't get my standard 37 dolls for Xmas this year, I will go apeshit.

If you fall for a billionaire telling you to hate your neighbors, especially if you claim to be Christian, I don't know, man. That's pretty stupid.

coworker: hey are you going to the all-hands meeting? me: (has feet for feet) no i'm not allowed to

The irony is that "Quiet, piggy!" is exactly what St. Peter plans to tell Trump.

Starting to think that the drunk lumberjack from Real World Boston might not have been the best choice for Secretary of Transportation.

Say what you will about Dick Cheney, but ultimately he was a terrible person responsible for the deaths of many under false pretenses.