matt be

100 should-have-stayed-in-drafts quality posts neatly collected in one thread 🧵⬇️

People say we shouldn’t encourage AI but the fact it’s somehow made autocorrect even worse than it was in 1996 is impressive and deserves some kind of applause

REM would have been so good if only they’d thought to put all their good songs on one album and left it at that

Suits is a funny name for suits because they don’t really suit many people and actually look terrible on nearly everyone bless them

Hotels would be such a brilliant idea if they limited reservations to just one guest a week

found my daughter eating mackerel pâté with raspberries for breakfast is there some sort of helpline I can call

Technically, they’re Remains now.

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

Liar, Liar, Liar liar, Liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar, Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar. The Fibbernacci sequence

Siri, show me what a Green mayor of Hackney would look like

Hmm, tough one. 🤔

Three years wasn’t far off. Finally my son’s daft nickname comes up trumps and I don’t have any more children so goodbye wordle. Wordle 1,774 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

As a tall person with near-normal levels of respect for others, we need to rework concert ticketing. Suggestion: an “I AM TALL” button which adds a Restricted View warning to the seats behind mine so I can dance without feeling guilty about anything other than my dancing.

Your annual reminder that William Shakespeare was born in what is now Turkey, never visited England and almost certainly could not read or write in English.

Happy St George’s Day, but remember that St George was born in England and only qualified for the Republic of Ireland via his grandparents.

My son Connor has been brilliant in supporting and helping me. It feels like such a daunting prospect to start again, but he has made it not only feel possible but something I can actually feel excited about. He's a brilliant illustrator, check out his insta www.instagram.com/c.lockhart.i...

Anyway, you can still buy my T shirts from Redbubble. All purchases greatly appreciated www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/Ke...

The man who invented tenuous chocolate puns has died. May he Reese’s Pieces.

He lived through slavery and did nothing. Good riddance.

The only responsibility I feel right now, along with many others in Germany, is to keep bookmarking moments like this, so that people here don't turn around and tell the rest of the world "we had no idea what was happening". They know. Everyone knows. At best - at best - they don't want to see it.

there was a young man from cork who got limericks and haikus confused

There’s no greater act of diplomacy than two next-door-neighbours pretending they never hear each other.

My daughter’s asleep and I can’t remember if she’s meant to be in college. Is waking her up when she doesn’t need to be awake worse than not waking her up when she does? It’s like having the nuclear codes, this.

The Green Party appears to be filming their PPBs in my nan’s house and I’m all for it.

Pancake Tuesday is like a day of posting on here. You have a couple of bad ones at first, you make one really good one that you yourself enjoy and a few remaining thin ones for everyone else.

There's exactly one normal man left on planet Earth.

Perfect timing. 👀 @mrpaulrobinson.bsky.social @samfr.bsky.social

Can’t believe they released the Epstein files to cover up for the Melania movie.

Q: what’s better than a perfectly cast, beautifully written indie gem starring Mark Duplass that will possibly make you cry? A: TWO perfectly cast, beautifully written etc etcs! (both on @netflix.com)

just caught myself saying “you are a ridiculous human” to my dog

On iPlayer now, campy noir fans! 88 minutes of crackling genius

So I watched this because @mattleys.bsky.social kind of told me to, and I’m very glad I did. Perfect Friday afternoon “draw the curtains and pretend the world isn’t on fire” viewing.

Another lovely #buyastrangerabook offer. In memory of a friend who died at the end of last year, @lancslass.bsky.social is offering to buy TWO people a book each of their choice, up to £15. So, if there's a book you'd like (any book, not just what's on my website), get in touch. UK only

me: you boy what day is it today? boy: nonces shout out of the window day. me: oof you’ve absolutely done me there.

I'm sharing this here, as I have on Facebook and Instagram, but there's no account on here to share from, and I just think this is wonderful. A really good balance of design and implementation, and appears to achieve everything it set out to do, and it *SO* appeals to my inner 'work nerd'.

It’s basically the last day today to order cartoons from us to get there for Christmas, if you were considering it.

They used to "laugh and call him names." Now they're all dead