Moorepheme

(2/3rds Credit to my co-workers:) Jackoff January Fake Fertilizing February Masturbation Minimizing March Aborted Arousal April Molestation Mollification May Juggle Junk June Jolly Jiggle July Anti-Angst August Semi Sinister September October (We hate October) No Nut November Dildo Denial December

Another sign home prices are still up. abcnews.com/US/people-en...

"There are few problems in life that can't be solved by an angle grinder." - Elizabeth Warren

Happy 'We're Sorry We Genocided You' Day.

Wrong answers only. My bet: Those corgis were totally delicious.

Sex so good you vote Republican out of guilt.

Probation officers are unique in that you can be violated for not being violated.

🎯 'A man raped her' instead of 'she was raped.' Have you ever read a headline that reads "A bank was robbed by a suspect?" Nope. It's "A suspect robbed a bank."

When Stan finds the clitoris in the South Park movie

Me: Maybe part of the reason I feel so scattered is I'm constantly worried about my hair. Maybe it isn't "my" hair at all and I'm maintaining expectations by devoting so much time to it. Maybe I would be happier and more at ease if I just shaved it all off to regain myself. Later: Nope.

You like your pockets hot babe? Shoves my vagina into the toaster.

Do you ever do that thing on social media where your eyes just gradually unfocus while you continue to scroll and you aren't even reading and you start to hear people's avatars talking to you? So it turns out Pepto Bismol has an expiration date for good reason.

It still astonishes me how a man can be so dramatically ill suited for a job that didn’t exist until he had it.

That's right: we're weird in ways the rest of the world can't even fathom. We are developing new types of racism. We lead the country in Measles. Pennsylvania is Another. Damn. Level.

Fuck ChatGPT flyers. The future is broadsheets.

When I was a kid you had to get these behind the store.

Why the fuck do I have to scroll all the way down to the year I was born? It's like putting the handicap spaces furthest from the building. I'm old now. Reverse the list and make young people do that.

Women can be like omg I love owls, they’re so mysterious and beautiful and some guy will be like I saw an owl once, wanna fuck

my summer tan is fading, which means it's almost time to switch my foundation shade from "sickly underbelly of a dead fish" back to "ghost haunting the basement of an Opera house"

Seven great companies and services I made up on the bus today: 1. Didgereedonuts 2. InterCom Wireless 3. Torii-Torii-Torii's Far East Fashions 4. Inflatable Friends by Paula's Platonics 5. Chastity Sweatwear and Sandals 6. OBX Construction: Obnoxiously large house design 7. Tongue Condoms, Inc.

Gonna start referring to Democrats who take anti-trans stances as “Biological Republicans”

If you do a create-your-own slop bowl and it sucks, is it your fault or the restaurant's fault?

“Look, before you start yelling, I want you to keep in mind that you still have one perfectly good shoe, while Sam here and I have a total of eight feet between us, and exactly zero shoes. So, I think maybe you should stop and honestly ask yourself who the real victims are here.”

(How I feel when I get a new subscriber.)

Something I wrote on Reddit has more than 70 comments and now I'm too scared to see what.

Them: Are you seeing someone? Me: Do you mean a therapist, a boy or hallucinations…

'Are you sure you'd like to unsubscribe?' has to be one of the dumbest questions of all time.

Virtual Girlfriends for $59.95 a year? I can't compete with that! SHUT DOWN THE DATA CENTERS!!

The Michelin man used to be made of black tires but people kept calling the police.

ok but that's a crazy name for a kid

You mean it wasn't vandals but instead a human error that was likely associated with and definitively emblematic of the incompetent superficial narcissism that some people call our leader?!? Well, I'm just shocked. www.inquirer.com/news/nation-...

Also, it looks really awful so there's that reason, too.

‘The Matrix’ creator Lilly Wachowski on J.K. Rowling and the new ‘Harry Potter’ series: “She is funding trans genocide. J.K. Rowling funds trans genocide, full stop. So, if you support ‘Harry Potter,’ you’re supporting trans genocide.” variety.com/2026/tv/feat...