Quality Snark 🦀🔪🧿

Early voting is underway in nearly every state (more details below). Have you voted yet? I urge you to do whatever you can to get out the vote in your communities and vote as soon as you can.

In California you have a choice between learning how to drive or just buying a Tesla

The money being spent wasn’t really the point but since you brought it up, data center owners get millions and (sometimes) billions in tax breaks and so public money is absolutely at stake here.

Here's the thing about fascism, I'm against it.

Times have been tough in this Ohio town ever since the woke mob closed the old Cheesecake Factory. So when Vivek Ramaswamy promised to legalize child rape, they finally had something to cheer about again. But then Obama said something elitist.

she’s either a sorceress or an enchantress i don’t know witch

Crocs: You've never seen anything as ugly as these. Nike: Hold my beer...

EL-SAYED: I get that the President takes personal offense to my first name. He doesn't mind as much when it's the Saudis who are funding his son-in-law's private equity. Doesn't seem to mind as much when it's the Qataris who are giving them a $400 million private jet…

“Good morning, my little minions.”

I love gazing upon my kitty's little furface but wonder if she thinks "I shall tolerate your weirdly bald front-head only as long as you're my food mother"

excuse me sir but do you have a permit for that shitpost

sneaking into the house of my nemesis and switching out her vibrator with a taser

Capricorn: There are questions that people with no imagination should avoid asking. Like, "What's the worst that could happen?”

The phrasing of posts like this frustrates the fuck out of me at times. "Bottom 60?" What a bullshit statement.

A little more filter... A little more... PERFECT

No, they were middle-aged men wearing powdered wigs, elaborately embroidered hostess jackets, silk hose, and shoes with enormous buckles and substantial heels. In other words, our Constitution was written and signed by drag queens.

It’s an important developmental milestone, regardless of generation, to teach children to play the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight” on the steering wheel of a vehicle every time they hear it.

Phone: *battery dies Me: *seethes with envy

"The Little Engine That Could But Didn't Cuz It Was Quiet Quitting"

What prompts someone who posts adorable photos of their dog to disable comments? Get a dog with a thicker skin.

I haven't dropped my phone in the toilet in a long time, so there's that.

I just want my life to be better without any changes to my behavior or attitude.

I prefer presidents who don’t loot their own country.

North Carolina voters!!

Think of the boxes of top secret documents a corrupt former president could store in here.

I know this is a sitcom, but is this the most absurdly large bathroom in TV history? Their living room has multiple seating areas and I think it might be smaller than this.

Nothing against Dawn detergent, but it’s pretty sad when their marketing says, “It’s what we use to clean the oil and sludge off wildlife.”

Hmmm… it seems that one party doesn’t want people to vote, while the other party wants everyone to vote. Wonder who represents THE PEOPLE?

You know what they should do a revival of? The gosh dang Constitution of the United States of America!

Everything is ripped apart and accelerated as it disappears, forever, into a gravitational prison from which there is no escape. In this talk, I will discuss my life in Los Angeles..

Me, hiding an ad on IG and then screaming “I don’t wear makeup” at my phone to make it extra clear to the data collection app.

The best part of this is watching people pay extra on their plans to get stalked by Starlink. Us poors still get the shitty non satellite plan.

(pokes at universe) Make something good happen.

Choose our first date: 1. Dig through the ditches. 2. Burn through the witches. 3. Slam in the back of my Dragula.

Police are trying to catch them all

BREAKING: Trump names new Press Secretary…

Thank god some of you are taking the opportunity to give your personal thoughts on a woman who is being dragged through hell before denouncing her being dragged through hell. It’s really clarifying on whether you’re a better human being than she is. 🤗

I think it says something about my current feelings on this woman’s music that my first reaction to a podcast asking whether Taylor Swift would win an Oscar was not even remembering songs are her job.

Thinking about collecting haunted dolls, maybe they'll fight each other like battlebots.

Surely I'll unlock the mysteries of the universe if I just stay up five more minutes.

Waste AND fraud, in this economy? Buddy, that IS the economy.

“It’s one of the best movies ever made” Just calm the fuck down, everyone.