⚰️👻 L.T. Sarcoph-Vargus, disgraced author 👻⚰️

hostess with the MOSTEST? [sloughing off layers of slime and grime and goo and muttering under my breath] ᴵ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵍʳᵒˢˢᵉˢᵗ

could someone with any semblance of a social life do THIS *skeets twenty times in five hours and writes 1300 words of new book*

REMINDER: Get those razor blades now. There's always a shortage the day of Halloween, and poisoning apples just isn't as fun.

there are two wolves inside of me they have already devoured my spleen and pancreas and are now starting in on my liver

my brain: how about this, a porno starring thomas the tank engine called DOING THE LOCOMOTION me: but trains are called locomotives my brain: still works me: I don’t think it does my brain: right pointer finger, send skeet, hurry before she can stop us

went to a museum once and they had a whole human body preserved and cut into 1 inch slices that you could flip through like a poster display at sam goody and I want to know how do I sign up for The Slicing

this is just to say I have eaten the paperclips that were on your desk

I bring a certain got hangry during the pre-lunch staff meeting and started biting her coworkers vibe to the workplace that employers don’t really like

Be kind. Everybody’s here getting attention the best way they know how.

Taurus: The stars aren’t mad at you, they’re just disappointed.

Glade Butt PlugIns

staying really close to an orgasm all day from my boob pics is called cleav-edging.

Trying to avoid you can see everything spoilers so I muted everything now I can't see anything

Me when the neighbors chihuahua starts barking at me through the fence

I’m of the opinion that beautiful women should not experience tummy aches

"you can't just go doing these things all willy nilly" I will willy however many nillys I damn well please

fuck off but take me with you

when i grow up i want to stop spilling things on my clothes

asserting dominance by maintaining eye contact while I load the dishwasher incorrectly

What’s that reanimated corpse got that I don’t?

thinking about stealing fire from the gods. a hot take

In the spirit of culinary authenticity I am having a pre-mixed Costco marg with my Taco Bell.

all my posts should be read in customer service voice

butter is only for people who believe

The void told me she's sick of my shit and will be screaming at me from now on

Another impossible beauty standard for women

sucking off the outer colored coating on a whole bag of skittles, spitting them back into a candy dish, then offering them to people as “mystery skittles”

I believe they are trying to suppress mail-in voting by not including an I VOTED sticker with the ballots and this aggression will not stand I want a fudgin sticker got damnit

I have the kitchen pantry of a grandmother raised during the great depression *flirting*

Me and my regular group who like my posts

have you taken your vitamins today

using a vegetable peeler to shave razor thin slivers of my epidermis on top of a nice salad

once had a guy sending me lewds with his shirt on, winnie the pooh style

AI will eventually kill humanity but there are also downsides.

Having a fruity drink so I should stop feeling sorry for myself any second now

i just don't believe jefferson starship got proper permits or hired reputable inspectors for any of that construction. i wouldn't go in those buildings, personally.

Thank you for extruding me.

I voided my own warranty when I removed that one skin tag.