Amber

The kittens are now 5 months old, and while they are super cute, I wish not "everything" in the house would be considered a toy. Socks, tissue paper from new shoes (re: my mental breakdown, more on that later) stuff on a counter, I've lost every hair tie. Little adorable jerks. ❤️

Libra: Congratulations! You’re one day closer to dying alone and having your corpse eaten by your cats!

Libra: The first step is admitting you have a problem. The next step is doing nothing about it.

The dogs are presenting a PowerPoint presentation that eating the cats poop is an example of a symbiotic relationship in nature, but I'm skeptical. I'll hear them out though.

Also I haven't had a glass of water be "mine". These little cute jerks

Living with 2 cats and 3 kittens - 2 weeks later googling - how to train your cats to use the toilet like that movie

Sound on for the cutest baby meow ever

Cheer up guys raw cookie dough is now at least as safe as most fresh produce

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you! JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

My brother moved back in with me. I'm not entirely unhappy - it's nice to have him around. 4 cats came with him - 3 of them kittens, so that forgives all sins.

The alt text is what blue sky is about. This deserves all the likes/reposts

Anti-ICE sticker spotted in Tempe, Arizona

"Ai isn't a tool it is a weapon" Scratched into a wall near a tesla outlet in Liverpool, UK

The alt text 🤣

I treat life like a math problem: I quickly give up and never figure it out

We finally found our elf on the shelf, in case you were wondering about the yellow police tape.

[movie or tv show introduces a dog] Me: YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER NOT KILL THAT DOG OR I WILL CLIMB THROUGH THIS FUCKING TV I SWEAR TO GOD

One time, my brother saved his nail clippings for almost a year and then mailed them to me in an envelope.

pretty devastating dunk at the end of this paragraph

The crazy thing is that for most of my life I would go ten, fifteen, sometimes even thirty minutes at a time without thinking about the Reflecting Pool.

Me: So I feed it blood, and it gives me lotto numbers? Nurse: No. It's a glucose meter. It measures blood glucose.

Name a TV show you’re positive no one remembers but you

What is the universe trying to tell me? In the last month: the upstairs neighbors flooded my hallway bath. Friday: My toilet fill valve broke and flooded my bathroom and closet, and today, my refrigerator stopped doing its job. It's burn it to the ground and move to Italy, right?

Life hack: eat 2 corn dogs and now you have a pair of chopsticks

I send out signs of life (replying to Instagram videos) to my friends and family on Saturdays.

GOOD COP: we need to question the suspect in the bookstore robbery PUN COP: let's do this *lowers shades* buy the book GOOD COP: you just wait here

Why do people hate Democratic Socialism when it so clearly works? You just tax a few obnoxious, power-mad billionaires (Musk, O’Leary, etc.) and make life better for millions. CAN I GET A FREAKING AMEN? THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

M: that’s O: not R: how O: acronyms N: work

Fun fact: I sleep walk. This week has been especially bad but I noticed today that one of my outside flip flops is missing. Just one lone flop by the door. I can't find its fellow anywhere. Im living a true forgetting Sarah Marshall moment which normally I'd find hilarious youtu.be/Uh2N0TfV8cE?...

Luckily this was during the grace period of the new speed cameras. But damn city of Phoenix legit caught me speeding

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me cat: prrhaps

Many people said it would be reckless and dangerous to build a Disney like Jungle Cruise but with real animals. Those people were right.

My cat watching YouTube cat games vs. an actual cricket in the house

I love my new job, but I have to drive to Tucson tomorrow for training. Should I quit?

Stop mocking me!!!

ME: okay, how about this: a drama involving a pair of male sheep. we'll call it Bleated Rivalry BOSS: just finish clearing out your desk

No, we don't require age verification to view our blue-footed boobies. Also, grow up.

Celebrating this Valentines Day with a Dateline marathon, thankful to be single 🙏

*presses lips against mic* I wished I sanitized this first

Temperatures to hit 43 degrees tonight and on January 26th I turned on the heat. Really brave of me. (Only because I have to shower at 6:30 and fuck this)

While mom and dad enjoy dinner, this tiny Asian small-clawed otter pup has very important business, tail toys and full-on romping. 💙 📹: Animal care staff Katie