Wisko

My sources at the coal mine are telling me the now deceased canary was a DEI hire, so we’re fine to carry on

Had a dream that one of my cats could talk, but he just kept asking me to put ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawumba on.

I heard/made-up that just before Air Force One turned around, the pilot said ‘Donald, if you don’t stop saying dumb things I swear I’ll turn this plane around’

I have 3 cats (2 if the building management ask), and they have 2 fountains and 2 bowls to drink from. One of them (Rupert) has decided the best spot to get water from is the condensation that builds up on the windowsill. I blame RFK jr.

I'm gonna getcha

How much do you think this shirt would cost? The pattern looks really complicated after all #itysl

Bought a selfie stick solely so I can get good pictures of the dogs I walk, and it's going well

Saw a cloud that looked like Godzilla

I’ve been helping at my wife’s workplace after I finish work each day for the past couple of weeks. Going to annoy her with this tomorrow

In an old game named Theme Park, negotiations were represented as 2 hands reaching for a handshake. If you wiggled the controller back+forth quickly, the other hand would desperately reach and shake it no matter what, often to their own detriment. I always thought it was dumb/unrealistic until today

Guests, not noticing how dusty my house is: why do you have piles of baking soda everywhere? Me, internally: *it’s working!*

Watching the Oscars, and I see the lady who played Elphaba isn’t actually green. So disappointed Wicked resorted to green face in 2025

Me, cheering on Godzilla as he destroys everything: Ha! Yes Godzilla! Stomp em' all! haha! Me, noticing as Godzilla changes direction and starts heading over to my neighbourhood: Whoa, careful buddy, my house is over in that direction. Love what you're doing but maybe just step around...oh. Oh no.

Me, walking into a room where my friends and family are sitting on chairs waiting for me: Is this an intervention? Dad: Yes Me: What for? Dad: *gestures vaguely in my direction*

Britney’s pope hat was a little much on last week’s #traitors

if we staff ICE with Uvalde police officers, they'll never enter schools

‘Dry mouth’ as a side effect was inevitable with all this cotton wool in the bottle.

it seems obvious to me that the local governments should just build spooky looking houses, creating a 'ghost town' and then the ghosts can just go live there and instead of living in other people's houses and haunting them

Man Succumbs To 7-Year Battle With Health Insurance theonion.com/man-suc...

On Rocket League, my friends and I called our team ‘The Birthday Boys’, and had the balloons or presents on our cars. Every goal scored/conceded, we’d post something birthday related into the chat (eg. ‘Happy birthday to me’ or ‘you’re ruining my birthday’) and some people used to get so mad at us

People mock me for being a single issue voter, based solely on egg prices. If they knew I buy 347 eggs every day to feed my family, and my 13 ferrets (all with names that are puns on the names of celebrities), they wouldn’t think it was so absurd. Help me get my story in the NY Time please

Me saying good night to my cats: Good night my special handsome boys, I love you Me saying good night to my wife:

*youth pastor still pulling up a fresh pair of pants voice* you know who else cried uncontrollably and shit himself on Christmas?

law makers whenever you react to them doing incredibly shitty evil actions

His real name is Scoobert?!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[never seen a ups truck before] the big brown box just left me its baby

i hear the click of the seatbelt as it fastens. "Check this shit out" I say. My driving license examiner hurriedly grabs a red pen.

[youth pastor voice] you know who else made a starter pack?

I see a lot of you still sharing posts from the obviously fake Count Dracula account, so please be aware: - the real Count would never post during daylight hours in Romania - his full given name is Vlad, not Vladimir - he does not actually say “blah” and would never write it out in a post

that just made it worse!!

Now is the perfect time to relaunch my failed TV pilot featuring the catchphrase "this never would have happened under President Bloomberg"