Andrew Sapperstein

1. Me fail English? That's impossible. 2. Everything's coming up Millhouse! 3. Money can be exchanged for goods and services. 4. It's still good. It's still good. 5. Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Oh Yax got the GOOD knee injection. That Bud Kilmer shit. The Cam-Skattebo-would-be-hesitant serum. The stuff that comes with the “may interfere with the plane’s navigation” warning.

Post a non-religious picture you think of as holy

hope you're prepared for me to talk about Max Bredeson whenever a fullback is mentioned for the next 30 years

Fining Michigan is a hilarious way for Stalionsgate to end. Oh wow a chance for Michigan to point out that it's rich, how harsh. Should've also made the entire coaching staff sit through a doc on the Spanish-American War

gotta fundraise off it now too

My alma mater's athletic department practicing Shut the Fuck Up Friday brings me joy

TIRED: calling your significant other your “partner” (corporate, unsexy, suggests romance is about matching laundry schedules) WIRED: calling your significant other “pardner” (Gold Rush-coded, earns respect in the saloons of Buzzard Gulch, we ride at dawn to capture Blackjack Brett McShane)

The people in these NFL clothing commercials are way too hot. Show us as we really are: Wearing giant sweatshirts glued to sofas and barstools, brushing crumbs off our laps.

oh my god this is delightful

TikTok thread while we got it go

YOU: [foolish, uneducated] this game proves Alabama should not have made the playoff ME: [wise, learned, on the CFP committee] this game proves Michigan should have made the playoff

Infinitely cooler than every bowl game announcer pouting about transfers as if the previous bowl's announcers didn't deliver the same speech

There should never be any neutral-site college football games except for the annual national championship in the Rose Bowl

New Action Cookbook Newsletter! We're in the thick of holiday party season, and I have some thoughts on the matter. Specifically, thoughts on what foods are good or bad to eat while standing up. (This one's free. Come check out the ACBN!) actioncookbook.substack.com/p/foods-eate...

Timothee Chalamet's picks were perfect until the SEC Championship, which he picked incorrectly. Why? Why did he not remain perfect? Because the Mahdi is too humble to go 7-0

I can't stop thinking about how funny it is that the actual College Football Playoff National Championship game was only the third most satisfying victory for Michigan fans this calendar year

BTW Michigan actually had a postgame win expectancy of 51% this afternoon. Not even in flukey win territory here.

Michigan just finished their worst season in ten years and still returned home to a standing ovation because they beat Ohio State and these are the things we have to keep alive as every other shred of meaning is stripped away from the sport

Man, this Syracuse quarterback is lighting it up against Miami. Imagine if Ohio State had gotten THAT guy in the portal.

Michigan has turned Ohio State into Michigan State.

You lost to Davis Warren and now he gets to talk his shit

tapping the sign

If you don't want a flag planted at midfield, don't lose. It's as simple as that.

Jack Sawyer: Gold pants: 0 Flags stolen: 1.

Lol, sorry guys, absolutely a need to be disrespectful, y'all havent won since before COVID, get off the field and wallow in your loserness

OSU gonna have an interim for a playoff game

Always a good thing to remember

One of the worst things for Ryan Day (a long list) is that he now has fewer wins in The Game than the guy still in his first season as Michigan's full-time coach

losing a rap battle so badly that you file two lawsuits is literally one of the funniest things i have ever heard

So we beat on, boys against the milkshake, borne back ceaselessly into the yard

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no