Owen 'that beersoft chap' Smith

Tonight I have watched one of the most quotable films and one of the least quotable, one was top secret the other was motor city, both excellent films

Yes ADHD and Autism are being over diagnosed. It’s a big game of It. I’ve been breaking into people’s homes, pointing at them while they sit at their kitchen tables and going “NOW YOU HAVE IT” before fleeing. They can’t stop me because of woke. I won’t rest until everyone has been diagnosed.

Me: Bop it! Flick it! Spin it! Bop it! My proctologist: Mister Kelly, please

Those are good #snackwatch

Fuck ChatGPT flyers. The future is broadsheets.

Christening a baby is nothing like christening a ship. I know that now. Once again I can only apologise.

James Bond: you think I haven’t faced death before? Supervillain: oh, I don’t expect you to die, Mr. Bond. I expect you to suffer. *opens travel funding reimbursement software I think you will find your motorboat rental and casino reservations especially complex James Bond: no. no. pls kill me

Big Walk is facing criticism online for excluding members of the gaming community who have no one in their lives that consider them a friend. paletteswap.site/dif...

I'm ready for the next World Cup⚽️ サッカー大好きですっ☆特に関節技が得意ですっ☆

Colombia v Switzerland being referred to as Charlie v The Chocolate Factory.

"I'm not saying FIFA and Trump are corrupt, but If Sep Blatter could see whats gone on today, he would be spinning in his big piles of backhander cash muttering something about it being a little sus" - anon

ANIMAL FACTS (🧵), when they reach the “Fuck it. No-one will check” level - Like their fur, tigers have stripy skin. “Oh, REALLY?!” - Here [hands over a razor], go shave a tiger. “err… no. No, I’m good”

i want this played at my funeral, as the casket moves into the flames.

Group of teenagers lurking outside a Curry’s trying to bully you into buying them an iPad so they can go on Pinterest

Due to an administrative error, i got Val Verde in the work world cup sweepstake....

earlier today, whilst out shopping, a nice chap in an RNIB t-shirt, asked me if i wanted to help blind children, they didn't understand "I'll hold them, you poke them in the eyes"

I'm not a plumber. But I'm pretty sure that's not how sinks work.

suffering from that middle aged affliction where you walk into a room and you can't remember why you went there and you have to retrace your steps until you figure out "ah yes, the sex dungeon"

Using the rules of linear perspective to combat ai slop can I get a hell yeah

I do love a polite fuck you letter

Andrew uses his one phone call to call Babestation.

Imagine being so corrupt and authoritarian even Sepp Blatter thinks you've gone too far. www.theguardian.com/football/202...

In the 2010s, the Icelandic tv station Channel 2 accidentally added subtitles from a gritty crime drama to an episode of Teletubbies. I have translated some of the highlights

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/73...

Neil Coyle MP has written a brutal takedown letter to Nigel Farage for his breach of parliamentary protocol, because Farage visited Coyle's London constituency without notifying him. 10/10 no notes. (H/T @simonpegg.bsky.social)

Vera looked around the room. Not another chicken anywhere. And then it struck her—this was a hay bar.

i hope the first one works because i just don’t think i can fit a second one in there

You love to see it

They used to "laugh and call him names." Now they're all dead

Digital Eclipse 'remastered' Mortal Kombat and they've messed things up so during Johnny Cage's fatality you can now see the crew men with the blood hose on the right

hmm, it's raining sideways in milton keynes, the F1 is going to be moist

To help spice up the F! qualifying, I washed the car between FP3 and Q1

oh no

Due to Circus animals beyond my control, I'm watching punching on the telly

Make Cher day 💛

yeah! what is it about them? 🤔

My old man's a thermos He wears a thermostat

Hello! I'm in a pub, two farmers woodland garlic and mushrooms with pickled onion monster munch is good

ITS HERE! Come and play the hotly anticipated game that has the pig-and-junk-stacking community in a FRENZY! Graphics by me, everything else by @mattround.com

I watched Section 31 1) It's a great feature length pilot for a fun Star Trek space adventure series. 2) It's a Star Trek tv movie 3) I've seen worse things at the cinema 4) Your opinion may vary 5) you should get that lump looked at, it smells infected

I've been playing some euro truck simulator, my lorry fell over

Bluesky now has over 10 million users, and I was ... late to the party #1,748,300!

In exciting news, I've not fallen asleep during the F1!