her again

you never fold me into a beautiful origami swan anymore

How about I fold you into a hawk?

Well there's a hairline never before seen in nature.

eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in

always a harbinger of doom and never a harbinger of haribo bears

yes your honor, that was my only ninja star

don't follow me, I run into walls

Sad to report I DO have a favorite song about a severely handicapped child who’s an arcade game prodigy

I'm one Taylor Farms salad away from reaching my weight goal.

hold me closer, lousy dancer

Them: Does "acoustic" have one C or two? Me: One. Them: ... acousti

It's never going to be what it used to be again.

This day in history. 1940. Adolf Hitler ordered the British to surrender. They refused. He felt a little foolish because he had turned out for the occasion in a bespoke Isle of Skye kilt and a silk topper by Bodmin of Vigo Street.

This day in history. 2009. Jackson Browne settled a lawsuit with senator John McCain who had used Running on Empty in a campaign ad without permission but said he knew nothing about it. So I'd like to ask him how he "approved this message" then, wait is he the one who's only pretending to be alive?

My 14 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath. I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep at night.

me: we should try tantrum sex her: you mean “tantric”? me: *stomping foot* NO

Oh, I thought you said I needed a creative omelet.

can you believe the pandemic was 38 years ago?

[Looking at old photos] I remember when that top used to fit me

That's not sweat I'm self-basting

Precipice would be a nice name for a girl

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Fuck you, Theresa.”

Fruit flies are qualified for their AARP cards at day 10.

I had a dream that the 12th floor of heaven has a fountain of baked beans

studying for my eye exam like a good pupil

A fun prank is to play on your kids is to replace their Cheerios with bees & then TRANSFER THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION FROM THE BOURGEOISIE TO THE PROLETARIAT

drink your tea while it's still poison

*christopher robin voice* you're dumber than you think but you'll fool someone i'm sure

I don't always give up easily, but I've gotten better at it

America: where we don’t have any money to support healthcare for all, but we have a blank check ready at any time for international genocide

ATTENTION: just added a new design to my Threadless shop; all profits will be directly donated evenly among the ACLU, Black Lives Matter, National Network of Abortion Funds, and the SPLC. get yours today and share with others as well I HAVE SPOKEN bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/smas...

people doing dumb shit that nobody asked for is peak 2026

Dammit. Now where the hell did I park my. . . Ah. Found it.