ficklenuts is tired of this shit

I don’t flirt, I just say stupid shit until someone gets a boner about it

'The Fatigue' by Mihail Zablodski (2022)

[tucks my favorite skeet of yours into my fupa for safekeeping in the same way that an otter tucks its favorite rock into its armpit flap]

[tucks my favorite skeet of yours into my fupa for safekeeping in the same way that an otter tucks its favorite rock into its armpit flap]

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

Barking via phone at everything that triggers my Ring camera app

I wanted to go into ballet but they don't serve drinks at the barre.

sorry I’m late I was making silly faces at myself in the mirror and lost track of time

I offer you the okiest of dokies, my artichokie

I offer you the okiest of dokies, my artichokie

a disney cover band called beauty and the beastie boys

It’s not healthy to eat your feelings. They are being recalled by the FDA.

What does it mean when the algorithms decide that you're the ideal target audience for lavender marriage apps and websites?

Making a big pot of black bean chili so I can have good farts

Me talking about Dungeon Crawler Carl, regardless of the other person's interest

Maybe I’m just a pervert but I’ve never once had a fantasy that involved football

What's up,

“you gotta leave them guessing” can i have a hint

me to a person at the park: Hello me to a goose at the park: Hellonk

Two of my colleagues are having a sticker war. So far, they seem unaware that I have been supplying both sides

Feels like we don’t talk enough about how Peter Thiel, who puppeteers JD Vance and funds Trump, has written that he “no longer believes freedom and democracy are compatible” We are literally being run by people who oppose our very system of government. www.cato-unbound.org/2009/04/13/p...

my wedding night turning from joy to horror as my bride takes advantage of my slumber to untie the mysterious green ribbon affixed to the base of my penis

a family that gets shot out of a cannon stays together

Having cats bonk their head on me is important for my mental health

Having cats bonk their head on me is important for my mental health

If ivermectin is so great, why is there still a parasite problem in the White House?

Guys I’m awake (threatening) 🔪

Fairy princess vampire cat, or dead

Comin' out of my cage, and YIKES the floor is cold Goin' back in my cage, to keep my feetsies warm

FUCKIN GOT YOUR ASS

Your mom is in retrograde

Playing Pokopia and the construction methods in this game are an absolute OSHA nightmare

We should've elected that guy from Blue's Clues.

I took a nap in the garden today… fell asleep to the parade of clouds above me. It was so lovely, until the owners came home and found me.

If you had the decency to be less perfect, we could be mid together

(sitting outside the bathroom stall cheering you on) inspooration

the balloon fort seemed like a good idea until the cats showed up

I talk to myself but draw the line at listening

A lot of people talk about disappointing their parents- but why stop there? There's a whole world full of people you can let down. Reach for the stars