Gem Borealis

Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time https://theonion.com/election-officials-warn-that-ballots-tied-to-stray-cat-unlikely-to-arrive-in-time/

Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera https://theonion.com/years-of-learning-to-love-self-undone-by-single-glimpse-of-body-in-self-checkout-camera/

Chemists Announce Upgraded Periodic Table With Dozens Of New Elements For Just $4 A Month https://theonion.com/chemists-announce-upgraded-periodic-table-with-dozens-o-1839288701/

Friendly reunion!✨( wallpaper in comments )

Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God https://theonion.com/increasingly-healthy-pope-asserts-he-will-soon-be-strong-enough-to-battle-god/

Powerball Adds Essay Section https://theonion.com/powerball-adds-essay-section/

Police Arrest Woman Reporting Domestic Abuse For Being Tattletale https://theonion.com/police-arrest-woman-reporting-domestic-abuse-for-being-1850191265/

Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly

It would be lovely if the video games industry would let the people who make the games buy food

Man Replies ‘STOP’ To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast https://theonion.com/man-replies-stop-to-political-fundraiser-text-like-powerful-wizard-casting-spell-to-ward-off-mythical-beast/

Fans Worry Achilles Tear May Not Be End Of Ben Simmons’ Career

Executive Order Designates Shaking Empty Beer Can At Wife As Official Language Of U.S. http://theonion.com/executive-order-designates-shaking-empty-beer-can-at-wife-as-official-language-of-u-s/

Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage https://theonion.com/phoebe-bridgers-sends-warning-to-fans-by-executing-phone-on-stage/

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend https://theonion.com/happiness-downplayed-for-single-friend/

AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid https://theonion.com/aoc-tidies-up-in-case-federal-agents-stop-by-for-raid/

LeBron James Squeezes Eyes Shut To Avoid Catching Glimpse Of Philadelphia During Commute

Druid Loving This Cloak Weather https://theonion.com/druid-loving-this-cloak-weather/

‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First https://theonion.com/protestors-criticized-for-looting-businesses-without-fo-1843735351/

Trump Slams The Beauty Of A Lotus Flower In Scathing Truth Social Haiku https://theonion.com/trump-slams-the-beauty-of-a-lotus-flower-in-scathing-truth-social-haiku/

when the CIA attempted to recruit me, they said I could suck any cock on earth. Any I desire. I turned down their offer because i am not Gay

Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting https://theonion.com/somersaulting-rfk-jr-excitedly-chases-own-penis-through-cabinet-meeting/

Entitled Child Expects To Eat Lunch Every Day https://theonion.com/entitled-child-expects-to-eat-lunch-every-day/

Corn Named World’s Sexiest Plant

No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life http://theonion.com/no-amount-of-training-could-have-prepared-cat-for-first-1845689325/

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today https://theonion.com/hungover-egyptologist-just-gonna-call-in-cursed-today/

Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman https://theonion.com/rockstar-announces-gta-vi-soundtrack-contains-10000-songs-by-randy-newman/

Researchers Suggest Wild Horses Don’t Have To Worry About Any Of This https://theonion.com/researchers-suggest-wild-horses-don-t-have-to-worry-abo-1846087171/

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows https://theonion.com/new-study-finds-elephants-mourn-cancellation-of-favorite-tv-shows/

Forward-Thinking CEO Hoping Company Can Capture New Audience By Making Product Worse In Every Conceivable Way https://theonion.com/forward-thinking-ceo-hoping-company-can-capture-new-aud-1846058985/

White House Downplays Hyena Biting Down On Trump’s Ass https://theonion.com/white-house-downplays-hyena-biting-down-on-trumps-ass/

40-Year-Old Not Active Enough To Realize Body Falling Apart https://theonion.com/40-year-old-not-active-enough-to-realize-body-falling-a-1847782934/

I am angry tonight. Because tonight ICE shot a New Yorker. They shot a New Yorker while his five year old child was in the car. ICE makes this city less safe. We want them out. Now.