Irrationally Calm

Werner! Werner, it’s Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Herzog. You know that new sound you’re looking for? Well listen to this! *holds phone up to flies buzzing around a decomposing corpse*

[First date] Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.

Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements

Them: Can I tell you something? Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital

Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time] Also me: "877-Cash Now!"

Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.

How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?

I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.

I’m such a private person that it’s none of my business what I’m up to.

You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask

What goes on in the crisper drawer of my fridge is none of my business

If you think turtles are due for their comeuppance, you’re going to love Thursday’s soup of the day.

How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?

If you were just gonna paint more weird ones on, why didn’t you just keep the eyebrows you already had?

The light-up sneakers stay on during sex

Me: What if instead of a cat there’s a shark in the box Schrödinger: You’re missing the point but it's pretty badass

I thought Grandpa was in the back room practicing his harmonica. Turns out that he was having a fatal asthma attack. I'm so embarrassed.

My boss, Johnny Four Oysters, is working on a plan that will make us uber rich. We'll soon be taking full control of all vending machines owned by the blind syndicate.

If I'm not overestimating relationships I'm probably at my favorite bookstore, where stifled laughter cannot explain to me why it was all reshelved spine first just before I got there, or how the cat sleeps around every corner ten lives ahead of me

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

If you shout "HOT MAGMA ERUPTING" while you're in the office bathroom, they'll let you sit in there for hours! Even if you are just watching volcano videos.

ME: wow that pine tree has a lot of branches WIFE: and its trunk is all sticky ME: I literally just said that janice

[first date] WAITER: *places check on table* ME: please let me pick that up DATE: oh ok thanks ME: *picks it up and hands it to her* you're welcome

"You can hide, but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise, giving the lowdown to her kids

[narrating a documentary on magpies] just look at these fucken badger chickens