Dumbdum

This fucker breaking house arrest.

When you're bitten by a werewolf people assume the hideous transformation occurs when you turn into a snarling beast, but the worst change is that you have to become the sort of person that is overly interested in the lunar phases.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

In hindsight, the decision to send in the clowns was tragically stupid.

Remembering Steve Jobs, who ruined all our lives and then promptly died

It's ok to still be friends with people, even if they are really into jazz

sometimes, if they’ve been good, i’ll let the groceries ride up in the front of the car with me

Just going to start calling everyone dingbat until I get punched.

I really hate that there are surveillance cameras basically everywhere now. What happened to just being able to pull off a lil mugging without fear of getting caught?

Since getting into miniature golf I've become one of those guys who never shuts up about windmills.

They’re shutting down horse and carriage rides in NYC. Sorry guys, you’ll have to think of some other super romantic way to breathe in hot diarrhea air

*singer from Foreigner at Jersey Mike's* 🎵I need a MEAT. BALL. HEROoo🎵

nothing scarier than gravestone decorations on halloween. oooo these guys were given a proper burialllll

now every app has a button like "summarize this email/document/post" no thank you, I would rather walk straight into the woods with no protective gear and never return

me: hey, can we pick up my mom on the way to church? uber driver: sure me: cool, I’ll cancel the hearse

First date idea: An exorcism

haha, you’re right, how come some people are all, like, “i just got a huge promotion at work,” & i’m all, like, “how come there’s so much water in my car?”

In Japan, vampires can't enter a home unless they are invited in. Then they have to take off their shoes and put on cute little slippers. Kind of kills the whole vampire vibe.

ME: So, if they're displacing some of the soda in the cup with ice, they should also have to give you a smaller cup with all the soda the ice displaced! LATE NIGHT HOST: Well. You know, I heard you had a strange encounter on a flight recently-- ME: I'm not done. Please don't pivot to my anecdote.

If some kind of tech apocalypse happens today, it just proves without a doubt what I've always said for years -- I really WILL be doing laundry during the apocalypse.

Who needs Xanax when there are walks in the woods and Ativan?

I'm not talking shit about you. I'm literally describing your actions.

Men only want one thing and it's disgusting. Every pair of Liam Gallagher's sunglasses.

is being conservative the new “punk rock”? of course not you fuckin dip shit

the best and most worthwhile reason to stay hydrated has nothing to do with your health... it's getting paid to piss at work all day long. sorry, can't make the big meeting, gotta take a big piss.

Stephanie has post Christmas clarity and runs back to the city to take the promotion and marry her Type A personality fiancé. Tune in to Hallmark channel Dec 30th for "WTF was I thinking?!"

I was insane to give my child a haunted doll, 15% off or no 15% off.

doctor says I don’t qualify for a glp1 because I’m “not medically alive”