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somehow the mitch mcconnell appearances are doing absolutely nothing to dispel the rumors that he’s been dead for months.

wife: [sipping coffee] mm the best part of waking up. me: haha yeah. wife: [looking pointedly in my direction] the. best. part.

Arrest him?

I'm so fuckin powerful. nothing in this world could take me down. not even hubris

i am shocked. SHOC-wait that’s not the word. i am UNSURPRISED. WHOLLY UNSURPRISED.

awfully nice of barbers not to cut our ears off.

i’ll remember 9/11 WITHOUT dwelling on the shocking amount of time i have aged since that event thank you very much

This is what Trump did on 9/11.

lol no but srsly didja ever think maybe this is hell and we are all of us damned i dunno i’m just spitballing

insider trading but it’s just buying grindr stock right before a republican convention

Answering all my doctor's questions with "that's a great question"

If you ever forget what you were doing, try digging a little hole and sitting in it. Maybe that was the plan?

says a lot about the hair that we’re not talking about the neck

guy who has heard the term but has never actually seen air hockey: [seeing air hockey] well this sucks.

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

One great way to get rid of an earworm is screaming until they tranquillize you

the upside to living these days is you don’t have to wonder where the worst people in the world are because they’re, like, right there.

pilot: brace yourselves everybody. orthodontist: [shouting from the back] don't listen to him.

[spelling bee] Judge: your word is condescending Kid: can you use it in a sentence Judge: cAn YoU uSe It iN a SeNtEnCe

announcer: round one, fight. sumo wrestler: stop calling me that.

stranger: excuse me sir i’d like to shake your hand. guy who has maracas for fists: oh haha very funny.

soup to nuts? what are you talking about. why would you even say that

one must imagine sisyphus happy. i mean if one must lie to oneself.

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "redacted" KID: ████████ JUDGE: correct

what’s your most moving vehicle mine’s the delorean from back to the future.

If you can just do one really loud hearty sob no one will even think you're crying. Might even get a "bless you"

you see, no one has standing when it comes time to sue the president because he is a very special birthday boy

stuck between a rock and a “hard place”? guess there’s no thesaurus in reach huh.

Mouse king: Guards! Cheese him!

Alabama is a US State and at least 2 bands and something I might yell if being chased by a Labama

It’s the weekend. Time to post those drafts of one tribute to each of the 50 states.

oh good i was just thinking politicians don’t say smithereens enough.

Turning to alcohol, drugs and food to artificially alter your mood and escape discomfort sounds like a plan.

I don't like it when people don't like me and I don't like it when they like me either

I’ll walk all over sunshine idgaf

signing an executive order to rename earth “big america ball”

universe: [attacking] why are you being so defensive

me: [chuckling wistfully as i step on a vietnam-era landmine] well this is a blast from the past.

trump is so embarrassingly bad at naming things

zoologist: this is a llama and that’s an alpaca. me: what’s the difference? zoologist: [waving me close and whispering] nothin’.

but THAT guy is still all walkin’ around, doing all his stuff

picking up my christmas tree this weekend so it’ll be dry as hell by the holidays.

I am not opinionated. I simply correct all others' flawed perspectives.

water is wet, sky is blue, etc etc

suing the “life is good” people for flagrant false advertising

i want a coffee maker that makes a shotgun loading noise when i start it

love when people say what you need to do to be happy is to make a change. ok i’ll just stop having all these responsibilities.

“mrs. krabappel and principal skinner were in the closet making babies and i saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!”

presidential aide: [whispering] i got this branch now what. teddy roosevelt: no it was a metaphor.