MrsFitz

Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

Remember those videos five or ten years ago, showing people overcome by emotion when they put on special glasses and saw color for the first time, and their families were always there, crying with them? What would be great is if that could happen with feeling shame.

Me and my twin brother, oh the pranks we pulled on our grade school teachers. Ha! They still haven't found Mrs. Grady. And they never will.

Word of warning if you’re thinking of buying the old gray mare…

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

look i don't have time for this either, but i really need to avoid some stuff i do have time for, so you see my skeets

walking through a doorway is like shaking the etch-a-sketch where I store my short-term memory

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a cutie patootie with a side of anxiety and just a dash of depression

Wesley Snipes is so bad ass in Blade because he’s not acting. He still hunts vampires on the weekends.

*knocks on door* Me: Hi, do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior, Dom DeLuise?

Nothing makes you feel older and fatter than getting out of a bathtub.

Menu à la carte: you can order one or more dishes from a menu Menu à Descartes: you question every dish on a menu

But babe what’s a para-dig-uhm shift?

By law you have to tell us if you’re AI

The kids’ changing tastes are reordering every facet of society. The gumball machine in the strange & barren entryway of the grocery store was dispensing pearl onions.

That old catchphrase was right. It was no moon, it was a space station. Tides are a robot. Moods are what you plug into. The mysteriously romantic ambience of night, good old fashioned jailbreaks for kissing

This day in history. 2007. Singer Donovan and his advisor film maker David Lynch announced plans for the Invincible Donovan University. To be located near Glasgow or Edinburgh, or somewhere, and feature daily training in Transcendental Meditation and Yogic Flying, it never really got off the ground.

Let's listen to music and pretend nothing else exists

Jared Kushner is the stuffy fiancé in every Hallmark movie: the one the big-city career woman dumps at Christmas after she goes home to help her ailing Aunt Linda, who raised her, and reconnects with her high school quarterback boyfriend, who now makes world-famous bourbon in old copper boilers.

The Heart is a Hungry Hippo

Can’t sleep. The full moon’s fucking up my waterbed.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance, press 3.

Yes, I still have student loans. I’m not done with the students I borrowed. They’re painting my house.

Halloween candy is expensive this year but I still bought the full size bars cause fuck it these kids deserve the reward.

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have

Wish I knew where I could buy a crossbow, oh thanks America!

are we there yet, funk soul brother

being an utter disappointment as a bit

my kids convinced me to watch Firefly which from what I can tell is a space cowboy version of Friends

rage at the dying of the light, funk soul brother

At the talent show trying to whistle through a mouth stuffed with pearl onions

Woke from a nap, feeling all-powerful. Then I saw the empty suitcase and the pile of dirty clothes. “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”