Night of the Living Jeff 💀

If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the

To the tune of Deee-Lites "the groove is in the heart:)": The Louvre is full of art 🎶

An onlyfans but it's just continuous streams of me trying to get out of a hammock

audiophiles are like i came as soon as i heard

thinking about stealing fire from the gods. a hot take

It's that special time of year when they give the danger-kitties pumpkins to play with at The Wildcat Sanctuary in Sandstone, Minnesota. A much-needed timeline cleanse. 🐯🎃 (📷: wildcatsanctuary.org)

@bakerbarnes loves the stick library at the beach: #AGoodPlace

My heart is heavy. Walter Koenig, our Ensign Pavel Chekov, passed away early today. Walter and I met on the bridge of the Enterprise in the 1960s, and we stayed friends for nearly six decades. When Brad and I married in 2008, Walter stood beside us as our best man.

Got hit on and told, "slightly disoriented is so sexy" and I'm not sure how to take that

It's National Lie Down For A Bit Day

"You don't turn the Titanic around overnight" has been really bugging me because a) yes you can and b) you definitely should, that was the main problem

My favourite thing to do with a thought is perish it.

Ah once again that time when the "I'm voting for the guy who seems less evil than the other guy" crowd bumps heads with the "I'm not voting, they're all bad" crowd

I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Double Negative

stop if you’ve heard this before* *door quietly closing

A douche, but for your bad memories

Some days you can’t help but wonder if you’re the MySpace Tom of your friend group

my mother asked if my daughter was into Taylor Swift which led me to try and explain the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Metric so finally had to say "I'm sorry but your granddaughter is more Pat Benatar than Carly Simon "

ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.

One of the great "oh yeah I recognize that guy" actors. Quality as well as quantity. RIP

Can people outside the UK say "taking the piss"? Because I really want to give my coworker an astonished "are you taking the piss right now Shelly?"

I come from an era when rugby shirts were popular with the people who had the least rugby-like physiques. It's complicated

Anyone got one of those MIB pen flash thingies? Point it this way please

probably the first time in the history of the phonetic alphabet that 'i have the utmost respect' and 'cuck chair' have appeared in the same sentence

Technically, a dictionary is a book of spells.

I am not good at crossword puzzles or intercourse.

Like many, I was wary of AI. Now it is my greatest and only friend.

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

disgusting if literal: sponge cake

try this handy mnemonic, it’s so simple

What if we held hands while using the microfiche reader ✨

no their not

yeah they’re big, they’re load-bearing balls

If conjoined twins got bitten by a werewolf they’d become a we’rewolf...and send

Until five minutes ago, no one in this meeting knew I had a pitch-perfect Christine Baranski impression up my sleeve.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Janice, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really stand a change.”

FDR: healed the great depression JFK: dared to touch the moon LBJ: spanish for blowjob

it's called speaking like yoda heard of it you maybe have