Splendid Hobo

It’s all been downhill since my fontanelle closed up

Today’s a big anniversary, and we went on a hike. Her: can I ask you to hold this while I take off my jacket? Me: sure H: H: well, here, take it M: I’m waiting for you to ask H: H: you know this is the last one, right?

Ladies, stop wasting your time on men you think you can fix and find one you know you can break

I tried to bring sexy back once but it was painfully obvious I had lost the receipt

Gather ‘round, kids, let me tell you a story. There was a time when there would be a saxophone solo before the guitar solo, and it made everybody very, very happy. People are gonna tell you not to do drugs but I don’t know, man. I don’t know

*extends olive branch* *roasts a hotdog*

*winks at the plague from across the bar*

Relationship status: I feel like I’m supposed to be meeting somebody in Montauk, but not quite sure why

There may be no escape, but then again, the cage is imaginary.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your attention?

I’d slap you silly, but it seems you’re already there.

“Is this seat taken,” I ask, pointing at a washing machine on its spin cycle

If these walls could talk, I would tell them to stfu

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

The musical clinking of pouring glass bottles in the recycle bin.

My fastball topped out around 58mph in my prime but it was my hangin slider that got their 3rd base coach killed

Top economists determine primary driver of rampant inflation is Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl

Does anyone know what to do? Like in general? I tried running into the side of a parked car but it didn't help

Only five words start with “dw” unless you’re Elmer Fudd

Nobody actually owns a "tractor." You own a group of parts that break & need replacing whenever you need to use your "tractor."

My wedding reception will have a Poptart tower and an open ketamine bar.

You threw a lasso around my heart, kept these bones from falling apart

SINATRA: fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars ASTRONOMY TEACHER: have you considered trade school

ME: and the skeets were called tweets and there were rooms where people dropped them and if they really liked them you could win little pictures of golden chalices CHILD I AM SPEAKING TO AT A HOVERBUS STATION IN THE YEAR 2075: what the fuck are you talking about

The public transportation is so good here that every three to five minutes I miss a perfectly good opportunity to lay on the train tracks

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

They keep trying to figure out where Amelia Earhart's plane went down but, honestly, she's probably dead by now.

truck nutz, but as a hair accessory... tressticles

finally rewound my Blockbuster videos then learned some startling news

I’ve been to the wax museum a brazilian times.

“I’m so fuckin’ bored, I just chopped 2000 peas in half. Now what?” - the inventor of split pea soup

peyote is short for pet coyote