Bill Himmelstoss

This showed up today. Thank you @pantspants.bsky.social it's gorgeous

the jr. bacon cheeseburger implies the existence of a sr. bacon cheeseburger

BREAKING: Sources at Amazon MGM have told Deadline that the next James Bond will be “whoever shows up to the audition first” because “who gives a shit.”

I took my mail ballot to the drop box and the poll worker standing outside gave me the thumbs up 👍

The people who object to paying property tax are the same people who oppose bike lanes and building multifamily housing in the neighborhood and student debt relief. They see themselves as conservative or libertarian but in reality they just want government to focus on serving their interests.

A few years ago I somehow microwaved my cell phone, and now every time it’s missing I have to check there first.

Normalize asking when multi-billion dollar highway projects will turn a profit like people constantly ask about million-dollar train projects

if you’re charging $40 for your haunted house i better be able to fuck a ghost or at the very least make pottery with one.

Do you disavow being my brother from another mother?

had this crazy idea that when I look at my gmail spam folder, another message shows up from one sender. turns out it's true! 25/130 messages in the past week from that one sender shows up ~0.06s after I mark a previous one read. fucking tracking pixel

I’m the only person in my city willing to beep at the car ahead of me when the light turns green and they’re sitting there on their phone. Everyone else (also on their phones?) will gladly wait out a whole traffic light cycle. I will do a beep from 4 cars back. Without me everyone would be late.

I'm most likely to follow, favorite, and reskeet in return for me posting a dumb reply. It's the least I can do

Caribbean lunch in the office today. There's jerk lamb chops and curry goat. This is the best day ever

ZOOKEEPER: So lions are what we call apex predators ME: *way too loud* And humans are ex ape predators lol ZOOKEEPER: *taking out her tazer* look away kids

I paused the print to remove a blob and when I hit resume, the printer moved over the same spot and oozed out a fresh blob before starting up again.

If seed oils accidentally get into your food you can put it in the microwave with a ball of aluminum foil. The foil interacts with the seed oils in such a way that it removes the toxins or whatever stupid bullshit you think is in there, or whatever. Put aluminum foil in the microwave with your food.

BARTENDER: another round JIMMY OLSEN: no we’re done thanks BARTENDER: *removes glasses from bar* LOIS LANE: omg it’s superbar

Was thinking about this today. Windows installs (by default) to C-drive, "C:\" It's called that because early computers had up to two floppy drives, "A:\" & "B:\". Software developers hard-coded that into early programs & then it just became the default assumption, even after floppies went away.

[car dealership waiting room] Me: [chanting] knobs, knobs- Other car buyers: knobs, KNOBS Car salesman: [pounding desk] KNOBS, KNOBS, KNOBS!

My friend in NYC used to live in a building literally named “The Future”.

Sat next to a crying baby for the entire flight. I don't mind though. Feel like they were the only other passenger who truly grasped the unnatural horror of our undertaking. Man does not belong to the sky. The real monsters are those who remain silent.

[highway construction crews hammering a concrete piling into the ground] Ah, honey, they're playing our song

openai and anthropic are like oops we hacked somebody again but if I try to reverse engineer my 5-year-old LCD's firmware I get blocked for "cyber"

you ever have a sandwich so good you're afraid to order it again because it would ruin it?

Someone should invent a little bidet to wash your face after a productive sneeze

[Phlebotomist waiting room] Me: [chanting] blood, blood- Other patients: blood, BLOOD Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!

ME: everything in this vending machine costs less than a dollar but it doesn't give change COWORKER: that makes no sense ME: i literally just said that carl

Nearly everyone’s window shades are drawn. C’mon, it’s 6:30pm! Experience the magic of flight!

one time I got lunch with a cow-orker. I carefully peeled back the foil and took a bite, look up, and half his fucking burrito was gone! "I guess I've always been a fast eater" I never went to lunch with him again

“Whether you’ve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery truck, you can now easily plot a course that fully accommodates your mangled body.” — Jasmine Harper, lead product developer

“learn to code” looking pretty silly in retrospect

they were giving out free nicotine mints in manhattan yesterday. great for me bc while i don't need help to quit smoking i have been struggling to get into mints

I am finally going to come out and say it: we have put hot honey on enough things

I'm really getting into the alt milks

ME: what is the opposite of in THEORETICAL PHYSICIST: out ME: so then what is the opposite of infinity THEORETICAL PHYSICIST: *eyes widen* outfinity ME: look again THEORETICAL PHYSICIST: *gasps in wonder* 𝙊𝙐𝙏𝙁𝙊𝙐𝙏𝙄𝙏𝙔

The year is 2035. Flock cameras are everywhere. You step out of your home and hear a voice coming from somewhere overhead, possibly close to the streetlight next to you. It's me. "Collar gap."

Urbanist Don Draper. If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation. They call the 15-minute city a prison. It’s not a perimeter, it’s time. Time you get back from the highway. Time to drink a coffee on a patio. You aren't trapped. You're finally home.

matt damon is the only person in the world who is generation x and also generation z because he was born in the 70s and also bourne in the 2000s

how about a social media app where as soon as you start typing, you have ten seconds and then it posts whatever you got

Regular worms are gummy, too

*a horse walks into a bar* BARTENDER: why the long face HORSE: i’ve been to the desert with a guy who doesn’t know my name BARTENDER: tough break. how about a drink HORSE: no