Small Blunder

I make posts for people who stand to wipe

Nothing ruins the morning like gaining consciousness

You never really hear anyone single-dog dare somebody

Alright I've narrowed it down. I'm going to be a slutty fry cook or a slutty podiatrist for Halloween

Acting like Jesus includes spitting on blind people

My little sunrise icon is gone so there's a 16.3228% chance that I'm not a bot ~ flirting

The moon out here dressed like she's not going home alone tonight

My drug of choice is a full tank of gas and three bags of groceries

I wonder how many times I’ve been someone's weird story

I’m of the opinion that beautiful women should not experience tummy aches

"Why are you ok with your house being completely fucked up by raccoons" INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, I'M NOT. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE $8 WHILE THE RACCOONS HAVE WEAPONIZED DRONES.

If you can eat an octopus, you can eat a dolphin.

Back in the day you could look at the internet for up to an hour without getting mad.

Gemini: Stop acting like eating all that cheese will fix your problems. You're still a mess.

Nobody congratulates me for knowing shapes and colors any more. Even though I'm really good at it now

Therapist: Wow, you're extremely self-aware Me: I know, what meds stop that?

Scorpio: Don’t worry about the writhing horrors beneath your flesh, it’s sweater season!

Menu à la carte: you can order one or more dishes from a menu Menu à Descartes: you question every dish on a menu

musical chairs is a children's game about layoffs

Wondering how my life would change if I followed my dreams to become a Time Cop

Ripley’s Believe It or Get Bent

Hate when someone figures out my password and I have to rename my cat

if you’d please direct me to your nearest ham portal

Got kicked out of the spelling bee for yelling "DO TERA-DACTLE"

I refer to my period as Lucifina because she a demon out for blood

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe