stabke

Listen. Life is short. Take the vacation. Eat the dessert. Dress like an elderly British woman to defy custody laws and see your kids. Get the guacamole yes I know it’s extra. Be extra.

New trick or treat candy just dropped

Just watched The Hobbit and boy that Gollum is a real Serkis freak

I’ve heard a lot of people question the toughness of FBI agents, but those dudes are fucking animals

Me: So if the Hulk eats lunch and then a while later turns back into Dr Banner, does Banner now have a giant Hulk-size poo inside him? Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job

*Spider-man covers Green Goblin in webs* Goblin: oh gross you got it in my mouth wait… what is that weird taste Spider-man: I… I had pineapple at lunch

Ahh I love… *scritch scratch* the smell of your… *scratch* perfume are you picking at my neck?

Fuck you, my heart will go on ~ Rage Against The Celine

Pretty sure I know who’s winning the Taylor Farms peace prize this year

I preordered the 2027 road atlas.

Every time I see someone post “IYKYK” I read it as Goofy laughing

You odyssey deez nuts

My friend and I have become pretty good at stealing sea birds from the beach. Not together though. We take terns.

you wanna grab a salad and go back to my place for some diarrhea

Her: Why did you eat half of this tray of brownies I had made for the party tonight? Me: Her: Me: So you want Iran to have nukes

Texting my boss from Chili’s why my lunch break is going on 3 hours:

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Pretty excited to see The Odyssey. I hear it’s a remake loosely based on Oh Brother Where Art Thou.

Eating ass like its corn on the cob

Whatcha want for dinner, step bro?

In early 1500s. Peru, the indigenous people were trying to fight off the Spanish invasion. There were members of the tribe that had made secret alliances with the invaders and these people were given a name. Inca Hoots

Lion All Messy or whatever idk I don’t watch soccer

GOP Mad-Libs: I just spoke to [dead senator] for roughly [just say 20 minutes] and we talked about [verb], [historical event], and [plural noun]. He says he’s [adjective] and [adjective] to return to the senate.

If you wanna be a doctor, go to medical school if you wanna be a spin doctor, just go ahead now

Jesus and Custer relentlessly arguing if it’s Cavalry or Calvary like it’s a hill they’re both willing to die on

BALLS MEET EGGPLANT

When I say Happy Pride, I’m not referring to the “Christian dad” that screams “one man one woman”. I’m talking to his secret boyfriend.

Broadband? Do… do you mean like the bangles?

Younger generations don’t know that drive-thrus used to have an additional menu board so that you could make your decisions in line before reaching the anxiety of the speaker. The world used to care about us and that’s the issue that gets my vote.

That’s twice it’s ended a team’s season

[HGTV] “We feel blessed to have been able to renovate this small beachside bungalow so it can be a home for some deserving family. We think we can go to market at $1.5 million”

STUDENT TEACHER: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is KID: you’re an oxymoron STUDENT TEACHER: well yes technically that is correct

Update on the new house: we just laid the footer

It’s annoying they couldn’t space these 3 words properly

return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi

“Yep,” I nod, hitching up my plumber jeans, “you got yourself a damned toilet ghost.”

[date] her: I’m a librarian me: lol astrology isn’t real

Matt LeBlanc is short for his real name, Mattress le Blanket.

I haven’t trusted Elizabeth Warren since she bankrupted the Trump Taj Mahal in 1991

[restaurant] DATE: I’ll have the chicken. WAITER: And you, sir? ME: The steak. Aren’t you going to write our orders down? WAITER: No, I have a great memory. ME: Prove it. WAITER: The blonde you came in with last Wednesday was much hotter. DATE: Hey! ME: No, he’s right.

I talked to 10 former presidents and they all said they’d be super jealous if Trump went to see the Titanic in a sub

[overheard at the garden center] Woman: Oh look, there’s a sale on perennials Elderly Mother: honey, perennials mean nothing to someone my age

[Partway through Band Of Brothers episode] FRIEND: Isn’t this show amazing? ME: *disappointed, in my Hanson t-shirt* yeah it’s cool I guess

*watching my a.i. robot dog using its wifi to steal a passerby’s personal information* haha, it’s okay, he’s friendly.

you don't see husbands realizing they forgot their anniversary and searching for a gift and seeing the necklace their wife wanted in a window for $50 and pulling out an empty wallet and moths flying out and then seeing a poster that says "BOXING MATCH FIRST PRIZE $50" and saying "hmmm" much anymore

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

If mistakes were truly opportunities for growth I would be 2 miles tall by now.

Great. Now the two pedo cartels are fighting.

not sure if this is a cat going into a toilet or an elephant coming out

when two of your friends start hooking up and the rest of you know it’ll end in disaster