Pasta Fazool

Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

They say the early bird gets the worm, but that’s not always true. My uncle has worms, and he hasn’t woken up before noon once in his adult life.

That’s going to be a data center Charlie Brown

Today marks one year with no alcohol. Probably an easy task for some, not so much for me. At one point it seemed impossible. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, and I don’t care what anyone else does, but I’m much happier now. Life is about celebrating the small victories.

Hundreds in Ohio have been sickened by a sexually transmitted diarrhea disease. It’s not the state’s biggest problem, but it is number two.

She can’t be mad forever is the advice of an inexperienced man.

an alternate universe where dinner is already figured forever

An Ohio blogger has been convicted of harassment after sending a picture of Shrek’s penis to a state senator. He was given 6 to 10 inches.

That mixtape was a gift not a bribe, Your Honor

Praying over leftovers like “hi Lord, it’s me and this split pea soup again”

An Ohio blogger has been convicted of harassment after sending a picture of Shrek’s penis to a state senator. The judge ruled that it was legally the funniest way you could harass someone.

“Musical chairs” was just grooming us for the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics.

My husband learned CPR. I’m glad, but I wish he’d stop looking at me like he’s waiting for an opportunity.

I figured out what happened on January 6th…

they’re taking me in to get ceramic coated tomorrow

This day in history. 2007. Former US vice-president Al Gore was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for warning everyone about global warming and breaking up a fight between Tipper and Moon Unit Zappa.

If you tell someone to have a good day and they don’t say you too, you should get to rescind your good day wishes.

*calling an ambulance because I think I accidentally took a second multivitamin*

emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick

Aspen police are warning citizens not to take selfies with bears. Although they do admit it would be pretty fucking cool.

bad news guys stuff only gets done if you do it

ME: don’t even talk to me until i’ve had my coffee INTERVIEWER:

Be serious. Bert and Ernie are not “in love.” Maybe they used to be, once

I asked the cashier working at KFC what the 11 secret herbs and spices are, and he just told me.

Just woke up thinking it’s Saturday but I also woke up thinking I’m colonel sanders, so whatever

The last time I was truly happy, I was spreading cheese on a cracker with a little red stick.

The best handjob I ever received was from a hot girl in college. She paid for it and even tipped the guy.