Larry’s (favorite) Aunt

can't say that i'll ever go vegetarian much less vegan (i am still a simple man of simple pleasures) but i am having a lot less animal protein and it's much easier than i thought it would be

Astronaut returning from space: you can't believe the things I saw up there Guy who can't believe it's not butter: buddy, I can't even believe it's not butter

congratulations, graduates. i'm honored to speak at your commencement. this is a proud moment for you, your family, and your friends. the future is in your hands. and the most important task of the future is to feed the Gaping Maw (students start booing, one student yells "fuck the gaping maw")

new personal scandal just dropped and it’s just the fact that I Have A Birthday

Your life isn't shitty because of Trans people. Your life is shitty because of billionaires and republican legislation.

Of course you’d put big lasers on the roof to shoot down bad guys buddy. You’re 12.

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

Over on threads someone just use ai;dr and we all need to adopt that right quick

Concentration camps: “For 280 days we haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit, banana, apple, orange, or anything fresh. We are all in one big room with no doors or windows. We can’t see any grass or trees. We are all constantly sick."

SCORPION: take me across the river FROG: if I do that, you'll sting me S: if I sting you, we'll both drown F: ok, that makes sense *halfway across the river* F: so? S: so what? F: sting me S: what? F: sting me, like you promised S: no F: sting me so we'll both drown S: *crying* what is happening?

post deleted but it’s abolish ICE now and always has needed to happen

we're due for another Graeme banger. he's good for the dumbest take you can imagine about once every 6 months.

new scam going around where they hire you for a job but pay you less than the value your labor produced

Guy 5,000 years ago: [inventing virgin olive oil] His friend: unfuck it more

Yeah hi, I'll have a big mac meal aaaand please have the Grinch jack me off.

telling my coworkers I need to take the afternoon off to get an ingrown toenail checked out and showing up the next day in a full-body cast

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Said just now on corporate bs meeting: “product performance has not hit thresholds that facilitate a price decrease at this time”. Anyway gotta get back to my smash bros tournament practice…

what are some good groceries to buy as a beginner

rfk jr. coughing up a whole flattened armadillo with tire tread marks on it and suddenly talking normal

republicans believe poor people deserve to suffer because they're lazy and weak, whereas the democrats have a much lengthier explanation

ME: and my imagination is so powerful i can be scared all night just from thinking of one monster. and let's face it, there's usually way more than that. so yeah, i'm pretty brave. not much gets to me anymore BEST BUY CASHIER: so. no on the protection plan ME: i'm getting there

Really, babies? You want an airplane flown into your mouth while eating dinner? It's like you don't even understand the current challenges being faced by the aviation industry. Grow up

if they were going to cave anyway they should’ve done it a week ago to spare SNAP recipients the agony.

agreeing to make a terrible deal while your main opponent is quite literally being boo'd on live tv by an entire stadium of people is the kind of political instinct you'd normally only find in a 3 week old dead goldfish