Catalina

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and sometimes Young

Me whenever someone makes moves on me

Getting into literature is all about finding the right genre

*puts an entire candy apple in my mouth and pulls out the stick tied in a knot*

Curiously, in Alaska, all roads lead to Nome.

If conjoined twins got bitten by a werewolf they’d become a we’rewolf...and send

Ye Olde Hawe

If she's your girl then what's she doing over at my house, bro?? Haha. Wait. Bro wait. Why'd she just call me by your name bro. Bro I just looked down and I'm wearing your clothes. I don't recognize this house bro. Bro how long have we been the same person? Don't lie to me. Don't fucking lie to me!!

I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them

Ordering dinner via QR code feels less like going out for hospitality and more like submitting an IT helpdesk ticket for a bowl of pasta.

Just leave me here #berensart2026

It is absolutely preferable to not pick up the cigarette in the first place news.berkeley.edu/2026/10/09/u...

You’ve been warned, parents.

This image appeared in my mind while eating oatmeal

Love the movies? You'll probably want to go elsewhere.

I'm learning all kinds of things today. Did you know Nebraska is plural for Nebraskum?

My wife: Can you read our baby a book? Me: I can just play an audiobook from my phone. My wife: But then it won't be in your voice. Me: I can train a model. My wife: All my friends were right. You suck ass

(me as a Disney princess, looking up as soft music plays) 🎵 I wish I had some serious honkers I wish I had, a real set of badonkers (music swells, townsfolk join in) 🎶 She's packin some dobonhonkeros! Massive dohoonkabhankoloos! (just me quietly as music fades out) 🎵 …big ol' tonhongerekoogers…

"YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK"

❌ AI generated slop menus with pictures that make your food look like worms ✅ scribbles on a piece of paper saying how much the soup cost

It’s the law! If you give birth on the casino floor, your baby will be immediately arrested for underage gambling. It’s the law!

google's ai proving absolutely indispensable in dublin

The first person to open a store selling spare parts for planes was like 'remember, the customer is always Wright' omg I'm so sorry

"You've really got a spring in your step" yeah it's so I can do this BROINGGGG (flying off into space to avoid this conversation)

Walked into my bathroom and Kevin Hart came up through the toilet to tell me about DraftKings.

Riding the bus is important if you want to help the environment and also witness someone who seems otherwise normal straight up eating garlic cloves out of a bag

Walking around the state fair with a stick in my ass, trying to get battered and deep fried

My toes ARE the tastie snack

I'm always watching for a broken bat during a baseball game because someone might use it to kill a vampire

Eva, it's behind you.

Wile E. Coyote, despaired, takes a bucket of paint and a brush and paints a beautiful two-bedroom house on a mountainside. He paints a beautiful coyote wife in the window, and two adorable coyote kids running around in the yard. He tries to enter this new coyote life, but it is inaccessible to him

Private weepcar listening booth when?

I took my first Waymo the other day and it picked me up 15 minutes away from my hotel and dropped me off 25 minutes away from my hotel so ok let's call it super intelligence.

No, YOU almost hit a bunch of deer crossing the highway in the middle of nowhere just now

I had a conversation w a Lyft driver a few weeks ago that I still think about. I hope this musician, eager to share her art, finds her way to teaching. While the conversation started rocky, Im glad she got an opportunity to talk about her ambitions. Piano teachers are way more valuable than A.I.

Oh good, the radio is playing Bottom 40 hits today

i took an iced coffee to my interview and they hired the dang iced coffee! !!

I thought this was about the bands

(after being robbed by a turkey) Me: okay, first, trace your hand Police sketch artist:

No, I don't want your leftover shrimp... quit trying to prawn it off on me

(a tractor trailer almost runs me over on the way to McDonald's) wow, they're right, a big Mack is going to kill me someday

Going to get my boobs squished between two plates. No, not for a doctor's appointment, just for fun.

still not calling them skeets

I'm studying to become an optometrist just so I can start a clinic called C.F. Eyecare.

I've been binge watching this show called Fireplace for weeks now.

Wet road on my way to Central City (traffic was stopped, don't worry) #photography