MothManatee

first the city calls up levies of yeoman archers, now a peasant mob uses a battering ram to assault a cathedral. incredible things happening in pittsburgh

🎶DOCtor, DOCtor, gimme the NEWS, I've got a BAD CASE of NEEDING the NEWS!🎶

average serious eats article, 2016: I wanted to make the perfect caesar salad so I ran 400 dressings through a centrifuge average serious eats article, 2026: We tested 47 types of air fryer to find the ones withe the best amazon affiliate links

Anytime someone asks me how I’m doing I mutter the only way out is through

Edgar Allan Poe really ruined it for anyone who just wants to show their bitter enemy something cool in a catacomb.

CAPT. PICARD: there's no time for this, the planet's surface is too unstable! beam us aboard, then i will consider your team's request CHIEF O'BRIEN: what's to consider? engineering department gets a full hour for lunch, or you die CAPT. PICARD: well i don't think it would set a very good precedent

i'm outside my house putting up a "beware of the dog" sign, but it's spelled "dawg" and underneath is a photo of me winking and pointing finger guns at the camera

Fish. Fear. War. Cheese. Long ago, the 4 mongers lived together in harmony.

DNA too powerful to be analyzed, call that the nucleo option

[not reading carefully before parroting an opinion] America is being torn apart by tribadism

Them: you better not rile up the cat at the function! Me: of course, don’t worry Me (after one beer):

I keep seeing videos of a guy who catches crabs and lobsters, cracks all the barnacles off them, puts a shrimp in their claws and throws them back. can you imagine. abducted by aliens but they just give you a spa day and hand you two hot dogs and let you go

weird that it happened twice, etc.

"I have Schwimmer's ear," David Schwimmer's killer taunts police

Hijacker: Everyone stop talking. I am armed and I am taking control of this plane. Guy from the Netherlands: Wow, in Netherlands we just purchase a plane if we want one. But typically we will bike somewhere Guy who has been to Japan once: In Japan planes are rarely hijacked. It's a cultural taboo

en esta economía??????

“Commas are important”

eating fish you catch? call that bass to mouth

Each of the 7 executioners in the firing line squad decided independently it would be hilarious if one of them shoots me in the balls this time.

No Rest IV: The Wicked

Guy who I used to slip n slide with saw me at the grocery store and asked me how my “sabbatical” was going. Looks like it’s about time I soap up and remind these drystanders why they call me The Hagfish.

gotta find a way to say Air Quality Index Over 1000 that doesn't make it sound like the greatest air you are ever likely to have an opportunity to breathe. maybe call it the Air Garbage Index. no chance i'm going outside if there's a thousand air garbage. although, one man's trash....

this is the official scooby doo account

you finally ask your crush out on a date and she says yes! couple hours later you find a scratch ticket on the ground and holy shit!! you won ten grand!!! then Neo frees mankind from the Matrix

has any human being ever looked more aggressively swiss than murat yakin

in space no one can hear you cream

RETIREE FROM VANCOUVER WHO ROTS THEIR BRAIN ON RESIST CONTENT EIGHTEEN HOURS A DAY: These delusional USians really believe the world will come crawling back when (t)Rump is out of office FRENCHMAN IN TEXAS FOR THE WORLD CUP TRYING BRISKET FOR THE FIRST TIME: Ze light of God ‘az opeened my eyes

Walking room to room through the sanitarium saying "grown ass man losing to a single celled organism" and each tuberculosis patient miraculously getting better

Roommate thinks I didn’t notice he ate my swedish meatballs, but I wasn’t björn yesterday

nothing worse than picking up a book at a free little library called like, "The Silly Shoe," and then halfway through you find out the silly shoe was on jesus's foot at the crucifixion

by today's standards conservatives were actually pretty normal about the teletubbies

I am once again begging, praying, weeping for lists of written instructions rather than videos. I do not want to watch your two minute video in the hope of catching the two seconds where you whizz past what goddamn menu the thing is under. Write. It. Down.

Cilia Murphy. he's just gliding across the floor with millions of tiny hairs

"EAR MUFFS WHEN IT'S 55°? HO HO, I WISH YOU LUCK ON MAKING IT TO SPRING," I boom as my shorts-clad body emerges, steaming, from the Rite Aid

[flirting with bald chicks] Does the portico match the dome?

Are you riming this ancient mariner by yourself handsome?

One of the things ancient mariners have to look out for is getting rimed

This bad boy can rime 5.8 gigamariners per second

british hip hop collective Rapshire

Environmental storytelling.

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now