Mr. Smartypantz

Seriously angry at whoever keeps trashing my house once a month. Woke up with my pajamas torn (again) and furniture clawed to shreds (again). I am spending so much on replacement pajamas and duct tape!!! 🤬

"Without a Muslim politician to scare moderates away, there’s a real chance that Alaskans will elect a Democrat over either Sullivan. It’s a desperate, yet clear, case of election interference." buff.ly/VlHrHsU

My neighbors are being so loud! I can clearly hear their doors locking and hearts beating. Hey, full moon outside! Anyhoo, nighty-night! 😴

‼️ This is important. If you can, don’t wait until the last minute to vote. Check when early voting opens in your state at vote.org/early-voting-calendar and plan accordingly.

After Careful Thought, Teen Applies To College Where Family Donated Building https://theonion.com/after-careful-thought-teen-applies-to-college-where-fa-1819577078/

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning

Waxing Gibbous would be a great name for a monkey salon.

#readingcommunity

Door Dash should provide a “royal food taster” upsell.

Trying to write you a love poem, but not many words rhyme with ‘gazongas.’

@rikirachtman.bsky.social and I have a new podcast premiering this Wednesday! it’s called THE BALL! Check it out!

"Watch this video from three years ago. It’ll autoplay, with no visible pause button and a scrubber that doesn’t respond. The video only lasts ninety-four seconds. But know that it’ll reload at least twice." buff.ly/FhPbn1O

Today's tshirt

Top economists determine primary driver of rampant inflation is Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

It ONLY matters if you VOTE! #vote

detective: where were you on the night of— me: in bed detective: I didn’t say which night me: doesn’t matter detective: I didn’t say what time me: *looking him square in the eye* it doesn’t matter

My horror origin story is that my mom, who isn't a horror fan, was reading Stephen King's IT while she was pregnant with me. I'm wearing my IT earrings today in her and his honor.

I'm like the human version of one of those off brand Lego sets that's sort of okay but still very obviously not the real thing, and leaves everyone involved with a mild but persistent feeling of disappointment

ground beef implies the existence of air beef, water beef, and fire beef. long ago, the four beefs lived in harmony. then, everything changed when the fire beef attacked.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

A remake of The Menu, but with the Swedish Chef.

In an alternate timeline, he was known as Vlad the Crocheter.

👍

🫶🏽

She’s the future.

The Necronomicon as read by Taylor Swift

- There is a well-established link between scented panty liners and autism. - All mentions of women’s breasts will be officially changed to “honkers.” - Menopausal women are advised to just walk into the sea. buff.ly/ycFDqJW

Every gothic horror:

Ruin a song by adding "In My Pants" to the title. Landslide In My Pants

I was sexually abused as a child. I'm not the only person I know who can say that. If I'd been forced to let ANYONE perform that sort of examination in order to play sports, a thing children need for health--both physical and mental? I am not unique. Vote no on unnecessarily traumatizing our kids.

truck nutz, but singing in Beauty and the Beast..BeOurGuesticles

I'm dressing up as someone who's well adjusted to the horrors of modern life.

HER: looks like your fly is down ME [sadly]: she lost a larvae yesterday

ME: and the skeets were called tweets and there were rooms where people dropped them and if they really liked them you could win little pictures of golden chalices CHILD I AM SPEAKING TO AT A HOVERBUS STATION IN THE YEAR 2075: what the fuck are you talking about

theonion.com/aoc-tidies-u...