Plan 9 from VA

I believe people in Dubai don’t watch the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

me: *walking briskly* murderer: *walking briskly* pool lifeguard: *glaring at both of us*

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

Happy #Lawyercat Anniversary for all who celebrate! It's been four years since the kitten appeared in my Zoom courtroom, and I released the 48 second video that made the whole world laugh. Here is the full video showing the big reveal at the end (in two parts because Blue sky). Enjoy!

If it's any consolation, we're 90% sure monkeys don't understand the underlying meaning behind an extended middle finger.

We haven't seen an Indiana squad turn back an Alabama offense this decisively since Antietam

We stand firm in the belief that our handler erred on the side of caution when he tranquilized the child in the Tigger pajamas.

True

Online Store: Great news!! Your package has shipped ❤️ Click here to track it 🥰 Me: [clicks] Online Store: Whoa whoa WHOA! Slow down, Speed Racer!!! We haven’t even put the sticker on the box yet, JESUS Christ 😬 🛑

him: license and registration, please me: *slides him fish* him: ... me: *slides him another fish* him: have a good day, sir

Guess who has two thumbs and a permanent restraining order from the morgue?

Uesama, a hyperrealistic head on legs, promotes Sof’ ice cream.

first thing you want to do as new Pope is let people know that you already had some days requested off from your old job and you’d like to keep them scheduled if possible through the transition

Okay, here we go. 1. Lamb, meet pot

fritos are probably the best chip that smell like dog feet

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person everyday? Also no.

It's not even 8:00 on a Monday morning, and I've already disappointed my toothbrush. It's going to be a long week.

2021 2025

Eating a spotless apple in a parking lot and thinking damn Joni they got us on the ropes

Damn girl are you a Rubik’s cube? Because fuck you u stupid piece of shit

Bad responses to "I love you": - And I appreciate you - Finally it's time to show you the shrine I built around your hair and nail clippings - You fool. You silly little fool - Not you too - Lol good luck with that - I am not drunk enough for this - Heh heh heh HEH HEH HEH YES. YESS YESSSSS!

Happy New Year! P.S. Here’s us last night below.

Me: You ever notice you're in a nightmare and struggle to fuckin wake up? Date: Swearing isn't ladylike Me: *fuckin struggles to wake up*

Very funny post, gave me a scrotum (soft chuckle reflecting on the underlying meaning)

Sometimes when my s/o is in a mood I'll ask if I'm invited to Pouty Pattie's Pooty Patio Party. Can't really recommend it.

Dad jokes!