Shade 5

Hear Me Out …a fashion line designed for hackers: MALWEAR

quit acting like all of 2026 hasn't been spooky season

Personally, I’d never judge you for what color your dreamcoat was

But did you know there's a Vampire Squid? If you don't, you do now

I can't wait to bask in the sun later

I’m saving my good personality for a special occasion

thinking of getting stuck in a well for the attention

PSA: I took a fire safety class at work and they told me to NOT use fire to fight fire.

*blows you a kiss with my middle finger

I’m bored. Let’s go unplug some Teslas

My epitaph will read: "Drowned in a tub of lukewarm water while taking 'bobbing for apples' way too competitively."

Your Halloween avi is giving me a chubby

sorry about my skeets. clearing out my drafts like they are last week’s leftovers.

Think about it . . . If love didn't hurt so much, it wouldn't be called love . . . it would be called pepperoni pizza.

Open carrying a dildo.

A high speed chase, but I’m on my Big Wheel.

I don't need a Halloween handle; my posts are their own kind of horror.

Messed the same reply up a few times and feel it'd probably be best to just go start a new life on the prairie

have you tried going out and listening to some good '80s punk rock about it?

Three X-Men and a Baby

My tires have always relied upon the air compressors of strangers.

Apparently the Cover 6 isn’t the only thing he has trouble reading awfulannouncing.com/nfl/drake-ma...

her: is that your fifth pudding? me: yeah but they're protein puddings

neglected to pack a heating pad so just using the travel iron on my neck

The wedding was cool and all but I think the bride was a little perturbed because I bested her in wardrobe changes.

Reluctantly wearing pants

If I was on Happy Days I woulda told Fonzie he was a creep.

Fuck pumpkin spice, let me know when they have candy corn lattes.

Time to clean my innie nipple

“Caregiver” means a person who gives care. Why doesn’t “caretaker” mean someone who takes care away? Just give me one week with the English language and I will make shit right.

You can slap your pickle on my roast beef sandwich if you wanna

the sexual charisma of a ketchup packet

Just sent a text that was emotional, vulnerable and included the phrase “I think I’m finally healing.” Unfortunately, I sent it to my plumber and he just now replied with “I’m proud of you!”

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately I’ve been busy teaching dog tricks to babies