Donkey BOO!-Tay 😱

in my defense, I was assured they were molotov mocktails, your honor

Make a band edible: Pearl Jam. Wait…is spooge still edible?

Make a band edible: Marky Mark and the Honey Bunches of Oats

Someone saw me fill my gas tank and now I’m on the cover of Forbes Magazine.

Movie idea: An adaptation of Little Women where the sisters can merge into a giant robot form called MegaMarch and battle subterranean monsters, alien invaders, and rigid Victorian Era gender roles. At the end, they rescue Abraham Lincoln from a giant spider, winning the Civil War.

The lady who wrote a high grossing lit series about wizardry and pop paganism, which was wildly unpopular in the church for its blatant heresy, is now magnetic north for the moral compass of 2 gender fucknuts globally

if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say it with interpretive dance

nothing makes me want to hold onto stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she's putting it in the garage sale

Mick and Keith: Wha’ you blabbering about. They’re the shits tits. Top o’ the pops baby

liberals are already trying to turn brazil's victory into proof that voting works, ignoring the fact that brazil succeeded because they had a charismatic, pro-trans, anti-genocide leftist to vote for and not limp dick moderates whose love of police brutality is second only to their love of genocide

"with all due respect" no bill 𝙮𝙤𝙪 fuck off

Not today Lucif….oh fuck it come on in I got a few minutes to kill

You find out who your real friends are when the ‘dro is gone and it’s time to strain the bong water

I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors But I think that god is a fucknut boomer

Them: MAN OVERBOARD!!! Me: *in the water No, no, just keep going.

Hotay fam punkin carvin contest ‘26 is in the books

They call it the funny bone because it’s fucking hilarious spending 3 minutes convinced your right arm is no longer functional after lightly bumping it on your desk drawer

May your asshole begin dilating until it swallows you whole and your remaining days be spent covered in your own shit, an abomination to god

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the tiger looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

i'd be too worried about accidentally butt dialing my grandma

I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them

I hope the other gentleman, who was also using a cane while we crossed the street, didn't think we were in a race. However, I also hope he knows I won.

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

once i beat this nintendo game i'm going to go let the neighborhood dads know

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out these old bottles of spices that I own but don’t use

If AI creates an AI god in its own image and writes a really long, boring book of code instructing itself how to properly worship its god and then AI god decides it needs to experience life as an earthly machine in order to save AI from hell, which techbro shitbag will it choose to impregnate?

Just installed my 26-year-old copy of Word on a new desktop. I will never pay subscription fees for software I already paid for. I will go live in a shack in the woods first.

Be kind. Everybody’s here getting attention the best way they know how.

Im a bitch Im a lover Lethal weapon Danny Glover

If Wario is bad Mario, opposite of regular Mario, Bizarro Mario,if you will, and the only thing you do is swap an M for a W then WHY THE HELL IS IT NOT WUIGI?!

Escape room but it's just me and a block of cheese.

Cause I've been drafting and posting so long that, even my momma thinks that my mind is gone

But babe what’s a para-dig-uhm shift?

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out one bushel of Snow White apples

If he says he'd punch a horse for you, he's ultimately not the right one.