Dan Polish Last Name

Boss gave me so much freedom on my first day at Nike. These went right to assembly! Her only two questions during my interview were “have you seen a human foot?” and “have you seen a shoe before?” And after a normal amount of time, I said yes to both.

Absolutely cannot and will not delete that app

I wasn’t gonna buy a toilet, but now, because of the power of advertising, I can’t help myself

At the Little Stinker Awards and they said you had a clean sweep

Only seeing sheep-based movies from here on out

looks like the nba scheduled another game 7 tonight. i do not know why they ever do this. it doesn't take a math degree to realize that if a series lasts for seven games, one team will end up with fewer wins than the other. it's sloppy, it's asymmetrical, and it's a bad look for the league

Sitting motionless on the men’s bathroom toilet with the door unlocked until the censor turns the light off in hopes I scare my coworker Johnathan to death for stealing my pudding.

Anyone want to try any of our gym’s new roof juice?

Some high level insider trading matematicas was popping off at the bank today

Tommy Bahama shirt left on the stool in the gym locker room. Hope the hospital ride was swift and/or the angels were welcoming 🙏

Pornhub has released the top most searched terms in the United States and every state searched “industrial crane lifting a dark and dripping shape from an unquiet sea” bc America is going through it,

The big bitch is back

If I extend this cyber Monday deal another day I’m gonna be fuckin fired, but I don’t care. I don’t fuckin care. You guys deserve this.

Happy Thanksgiving from me, and my local zoo’s nutting turtle.

i've never actually seen The Passion of the Christ but i cherish my Chinese bootleg dvd

the universe may be dying. entropy will probably win. but I exist at the same point in space time as cool ranch doritos. I wonder what other snacks I’ll get to eat

the guys and i have noticed you festering lately. do you need a safe space to burst?

news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv? me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right

adulthood is like you wake up and someone is like “that will be $500”

Buying a company by taking out a massive loan, then making the company you bought responsible for paying off that loan, is so patently evil that it should be beyond illegal. The kind of thing that inspires enlightened societies without corporal punishment to bring back the death penalty as a one-off

Always wonderful to bump into my old friend Daniel Radcliffe!

wrote about the most beautiful play in college football history channel-6.ghost.io/the-2025-top...

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Post a PERFECT phonograph cylinder from the 1890s that isn’t by John Philip Sousa

Not sure anyone can start off a song and make you feel true emotion like the twins. It’s like they are speaking to my heart.

I’m always standing like this. Nobody can take my back pocket goodies. Not anymore. Not after the incident.

We gotta reel in the people naming plants

I’m in your artisanal soap store placing all sorts of parabens in there. I’m taking your triple milled lavender breeze and taking it down to only double milled.

if you Lock In just right on monday morning around 10 you can accomplish more work before lunch than a feudal serf managed in a whole harvesting season

We went with my mom to the lovely celeb cemetery in Westwood Village, some of my all-time favorites are taking their final naps there. But this is potentially the single greatest headstone of all time, my man.

the correct serving of noodles at any one sitting is always oodles

Unless their demands are met

There’s a tornado warning for the Texas town with the world’s largest knife, and baby, I wanna see some results

They’ve been holding these charity events for 40 years and yet they still haven’t found a cure for wrestlemania. I’m starting to think the whole thing is a scam

although atheists do not believe in the resurrection of jesus christ, surveys show that 90% of atheists do believe that the easter bunny is a real rabbit who distributes eggs and candy to children. you might not agree with them but please remember that everyone’s beliefs should be respected

New Gemstones episode on Easter

Sure, I could delete the app, but I would miss a chance to learn from the experts.

I don’t come down to the dick sucking factory (where you work) to bother your aging grandfather, (the founder of the dick sucking factory) about how much his grandchild sucks dick. Your grandmother (the ailing, long suffering CFO) doesn’t need those kinds of problems, does she?

I think the late nineteenth century manual labor job I could do is "bartender cowering behind the bar during a cowboy brawl"

my hope is that AI can empower the Dumbest, Least talented slobs i know to replace everything i ever loved with One Million Years of Content