Count DookURLa 🎃

if i die in london, send me to france and scatter my ashes where the naked ladies dance

street corn vagina never met her before who cares?

i said i’m talking to the man in the mirror & he said i’m talking to the man in the mirror, then i said stop that & he said stop that, so i said no, i have to talk to you & he said no, i have to talk to you & we got in a big argument for about five minutes or so. then we started kissing.

I could easily strike out any of the Founding Fathers on three pitches

my “we like Dick” t shirt is raising fewer questions than i’d expected & i’m not sure what to do about that

that last post is technically alt text itself, a rare repost loophole

Was looking through old photos and found this double exposure where there’s a door in the sky and I noticed it leads to my grandma’s old porch and it gave this silly photo such emotional weight for me.

RIP mama celeste, you fed generations of neglected kids and thrifty stoners & we will always remember you

Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’ theonion.com/pelicans-ann...

Greasers are a well regulated Militia and it's about time we recognized it.

The '90s made the '60s look like the '50s

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

You wouldn't finger a lake

simon, peter, cephus, jesus, j(i?)ehovah, emmanuel…this is all just two guys??

Bringing Up Baby for Tax Purposes

next up on tales from the crypt, Joey Pants does what he does best!

do they even have homes for the criminally insane anymore?

Wait a minute...

You don’t have to eat ten spiders in your sleep you can eat more if you want to

omg, now this has got to be a bit

hey! i may be a weirdo, and pedantic, but what was that third thing you said?

*gasps*

BABY WE WERE BORN TO PUN

thats him officer, thats the guy who did the monster mash

every ten minutes on Tubi: “housecare is a human right!”

If we’re dating and you go on the Price is Right and fall down screaming because you won a TV, I’m breaking up with you.

I’d love to visit Japan just not during Godzilla season

Fired from my hotel job because I won't stop saying "so true guestie" to all the patrons

let’s just slap some tits on a dick and call it a day

Why is it always… …She’s cranky. Must be her period. But never… …this spaghetti tastes really good. Must be her period.

the greatest trick the devil ever did was when he took jesus for ten bucks playing 3 card monte in the temple jesus got so mad he flipped my table & threw everybody out

I tried to have an intervention with myself, but my inside voices called the shots.