👻SpookyComic💀

Going to have to write down my drafts like some Victorian diarist.

🎶It’s my dick in a pot🎶

lord beer me strength

Friendly reminder in my mom’s bathroom

Just sharing the gay apparel I donned.

You cry tears; I cry jokes

What if I stay under the warm blankets? Yes, this is best.

I just saw a shadow thrown by a cloud that was shaped like a penis, does that mean 6 more weeks of wiener?

Neither miserable, nor happy, but a secret more complicated third thing

pez dispenser that dispenses lil bites of cheese

Is it possible that I used the word "scallawag"one too many times while sexting?

Pudding on the Ritz 🎶

Over the river AND through the woods? In this economy?

these chores could have been a montage

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

Goofy dancing in the kitchen is where it's at.

You ever notice how "ok don't take this personally" is always followed up with something really freaking personal

If you like stickin’ it to the Merry Christmas crowd with a hearty Happy Holidays, try Enjoy the Season instead—it enrages them even more. Enjoy the season!

I’d love to be thankful for not having to dine with certain family members but alas and alack.

I picked up some pastries for tomorrow's staff meeting.

Throw away last year’s holiday wrapping paper before this shit gets out of hand again.

“Father Brown is over,” I told my company and wished them well on their journey home.

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle

You know you're old when ''I have to go'' stops reffering to parties

The dread of expecting company who call to say they’ll be early but you’re still out running errands.

Many "American Psychos" can trace their ancestry to immigrants who came through Bret Easton Ellis Island.

a girl should not have to work if it’s misty. She should be allowed to wander the moors wailing as nature intended

Deer + bunny + cargo shorts = kangaroo

State Farm doesn't know me at all. A good neighbor to me isn't always there. I want a neighbor that I never see.

In the immortal words of James Hetfield, "fuck it all with fucking no regrets".

When you die, after the eulogy, you should be shamed on how many condiments are in your fridge

Replacing myself with a life-size Jello Jiggler for the day. Blob enough.

Cats aren't afraid of the void

It is fortunate that YOLOs do, in fact, live only once, and that they take their awful grammar with them.

Annual reminder. If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they'd be called novorations.