Squirrelly Sam

As if I needed another reason to hate the pats

One way you know Dolly Parton lived life the right way: I don’t think anyone’s going to get fired for accurately quoting Dolly Parton today.

standing in line all damn morning get my poetic license renewed

taught my dog sarcasm and now she won't stop snarking at strangers

the effort needed to sneak into a city is measured in Trojan Horsepower

Pronouncing Grimace like Versace so the people at this McDonald’s think I’m sophisticated

Biden depleted the non-depleted stockpiles and the people who know the secrets about non-depleted stockpiles are telling you lies they should go to jail for, because they are not supposed to lie about the definitely-not-depleted stockpiles.

ConstiTHREEtion: wisdom of the FIVEfathers

Oh cool they added group chats. I will get invited to spammer chats and not a single group of cool people will invite me. awesome.

Where the fuck is WH press corps response to attacks on women reporters? Shameful bootlickers and enablers

The user is absolutely right, I shouldn't have gone into combat mode at a children's event.

He's gonna put a cabana and a wedding dj and some deck chairs out there.

Long time ago I subscribed to a gaming magazine, I think it was Next Gen, and like the very first thing I would do when the issue came was turn to the reviews and read all the ⭐ and ⭐⭐ because they were always super funny

I'm probably wrong and that's ok, but I feel like every "$CITY style" food is really just something for tourists. The locals who get mad about it tend to be transplants. Like nobody actually eats Cincinnati chili do they? It's just like a dare or something, right?

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

(petting a chihuahua) a day will come when you won’t quiero anymore

Say a few words from an old TV commercial that some of us will remember: “Clap on. Clap off.”

Say a few words from an old TV commercial that some of us will remember: "I'll paint any car for just $99.95"

"hottie with a body" implies the existence of other hotties, hotties beyond our mortal ken. hotties without form or substance

They suspended @cara.city for this!!! Dogshit website run by absolute babies. It is a Serious Violation to point out that the head of trust and safety’s pants fell down and everyone saw his little red ass and laughed

Sometimes I think of singles, like two-sided 45s, that ought to exist. SIDE A: "Waiting for My Man" by The Velvet Underground SIDE B: "Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies SIDE A: "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain & Tenille SIDE B: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division

It was the group of costumed Star Trek fans own fault that the bouncer didn't Let them into a night club after the sci-fi convention. You might say that they were hoisted by their own Picard.

who called it autistic and not “trainsgender”

the world is full of insane clown possibilities

I don't know how to express how gobsmacked I am with China's progress and dismayed with America's self-mutilation in a way that doesn't make me sound like I've gone total sinoboo online wumao CCP shill renting an apartment in this city with this train station is $700 a month

GM 🖤 Protect your whimsy, my friendos

I encourage everyone to show up to my funeral and make up any backstory they like.

baja black rain

hotel mini bars are actually made for gnomes

ME: slow and steady wins the race WIFE: i asked you to do the dishes 3 days ago ME: slow and steady linda

My wife has been on the phone in front of an open container of delicious grilled chicken tacos for 45 minutes without taking a bite. I do not know this level of self control

It wasn't the baja blast that killed us, it was the baja radiation

You mean to tell me that the world's most dangerous hacking robot was hacked?

Ask not for whom the baja blasts; it blasts for thee

Sometimes the best silence is just noisy enough that nobody notices how quiet you are

Call your Congressperson and senators every day. Only say this: My name is ___ from _(town)_. Impeach and convict Donald Trump for high crimes and misdemeanors. If everyone who wanted it called every day it would start to mean something.

Tired: thank you for your attention to this matter Wired: praise be to Allah

For sale, one gun, never googly-eyed

After the White House complained about an unflattering photo of Karoline Leavitt, it was removed from AFP and Getty’s systems. This is the photo in question. Please do not repost it. 👇