Brian Edits

Since it's spooky season and some folks have been passing it around again today, here, once again, is my How to Write a Horror Movie Crash Course!

I believe the precise wording was "Shove that ballroom up your FAT ass!"

Source: Natalie Harp to dress as Sen. Jon Husted this Halloween.

It's so irritating that Hitler's plan to put "socialist" in the name of his party so people would think Nazis were socialists not only worked but IS STILL WORKING.

If you ever feel bad about shaming and laughing at the dumb-fuck Trump voters you do and don't know, remember they wanted this, this is their champion.

What’s really wild is that human journalists regularly come up with dynamic eulogies of the elementary school students who are killed by gun violence, and they never had the privilege to meet, multiple times a year in this country. That seems a lot more overwhelming and complex, but who am I to say?

I called up Mapquest. I called up Mapquest. I said, "We've gotta change the name of the ocean!" They said—I couldn't believe it—they said, "Go fuck yourself, you fascist fuck"

If a neon sign gets wrecked in a movie, it better say something funny afterward or I’m walking OUT.

Always remember that Donald Trump watched on TV for 3 hours as a mob beat up police officers. It made him feel good because they were doing it for him.

they probably know his favorite player played for Cleveland

The Republicans’ betrayal of Ukraine will leave a permanent stain on American history. It’s not just Trump — it’s the entire Republican Party bowing down to Putin. They could stop this if they wanted to.

The only way you could have watched that video without being absolutely impressed with the matter-of-fact way AES dismantled and exposed that pitiful gotcha is for bad reasons

If a Dem had done what Trump did to the reflecting pool, the worst photo of it would be the social media profile pic for every Republican this election.

THEY SHOULD CALL NORTH DAKOTA NORTH AMERICA AND SOUTH DAKOTA SOUTH AMERICA AND WEST VIRGINIA WEST AMERICA I BET THIS SHIT HITS SO HARD IF YOU'RE STUPID

"Tommy, I think you should sit down and stfu."

You Can See Everything was very funny, yet somehow not as funny as the very horny trailer for Wicker that played in my theater being immediately followed by a commercial for Chuck E. Cheese

Poor Carrie. Keeps getting rebooted and bullied.

how does ohio boy vance keep walking right into the buzzsaw of one of the midwest's most Ancient Tribal Hatreds. dog no one in michigan cares what your OSU ass has to say

This is a conversation that I know a lot of people here have daydreamed about having, and it's worth your time.

Still trying to understand how Napster got shut down, but Anthropic is going public and still hasn’t paid us authors yet after stealing our work.

You frightened wockaflockas really let them gut our country and make it their personal piggy bank? I hope shittin' on folks who were different from you was worth it.

Much needed reminder.

Elon is who they claimed Soros was.

I could have refused both on principle and gone hungry. But the pineapple pizza was perfectly edible, filled me up, and I could pick off some of the pineapple. This is not a story about pizza.

You know, the thing is, I had drafted this piece a month ago, and then never published it, because I thought maybe it was too mean.

The Seven Stages of Democrat Rage When Republicans Are Fascistic: 1. This is simply wrong 2. We are better than this 3. It’s downright un-American 4. Reagan would be rolling in his grave 5. This is simply wrong (reprise) 6. I am writing a letter 7. Can you chip in $5 to help me put a stop to this

It’s not complicated. Trump is Putin’s bitch. Always has been. Always will be.

As someone who has probably watched 95% of SNL monologues over the past 20 years, can we at least focus on the sexist joke without claiming that Shane Giilis bombed? Why do we need to lie to each other? Plenty of real things to be pissed about.

They are losing and emptying their tank of childish right wing ideas to see what sticks. Let's make sure none of it sticks.

Straight up: As a woman in football, this sucks to listen to. This week in particular.

Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit treating Deshaun Watson like any other QB, and nary a mention of two dozen sexual assault allegations as part of an already disgusting “redemption” arc they’ve spent all night trying to weave is really gross.

With everything about Cornell this week, seeing Deshaun Watson get praised by two MAGA fuckheads is nauseating.

Google and Apple immediately update their maps.

Straight, white, married, from NY and dis-like country outside Dolly, Johhny, Sturgill, and Kacey. Have heard that famous country song on streaming. It's fine, but why is the singer okay with her man cheating simply because the other woman is from Texas? Have some Tennessee pride is all.

The average human male contains, on average, about 200 million sperm containing on average 800mb of genetic data which means each ejaculation contains 160 petabytes on average. Furthermore, the average speed is about 28mph 1/2

bring 👏 back 👏 sex 👏 scenes 👏 in 👏 movies! *monkey’s paw curls*

I came up with some more inane bullshit for everyone to argue about!

succinctly summarizing messy stories in a measured tone that sounds matter-of-fact instead of accusatory is this man’s superpower

I really hope the next president is like “I could’ve pissed on Trump’s head as he was leaving office and burned all of his properties to the ground. I didn’t do it, but I could’ve if I wanted to. Maybe I still will.”

Mel Blanc screams are like Greek fire, we lost the technology to make sounds like this

Trump said that if I didn’t vote for him, gas prices would double. It looks like he was right.

The corruption has never been more blatant in our lifetimes. What did you assume would happened, say 20 years ago, about this much open corruption of our sytems? If it is not being done, then you need to start making it happen. We're behind.

If I was the metaphoric 1%, once I learned the staying power of that label, I would probably try to scapegoat another minority that exact % of the population too.