Professionally Certified Woolgatherer

I support banning biological Black toddlers from youth sports if it’s an issue of fairness and safety.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think I *can* see everything… but I might have the capacity to see everything.

Hey Gemini what is my kid's name and what does she look like, I'm at her school play and I can't figure out which one it is

Servers at the Cheesecake Factory all over the country are mentally preparing for a night flooded w bad tippers

I have discovered the exact, objective, scientific amount that Elizabeth Holmes and Nathan Fielder are lying and/or credulous. By solving this it means that I’ve won, which is the point of the movie, and really all movies if you think about it.

we must not idealize the cheesecake factory. even with cheesecake automation, it's brutal physical labor with no rest ever since the advent of cheesecake taylorism

This dude was hard to book, not many artists can match his execution of flash-lit skin oil sheen.

the peoples goodnighted will not be bedbug bited

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

Nathan: Do you understand why this is funny? Elizabeth: Because he never finished the point he was making about gang violence? Billy [rewinding the video to its beginning and studying it at 1/4 speed]: THANK YOU FOR SHOWING US THIS

I wonder how many of them even *want* power forever at this point. They’re bad at even pretending to do the job, it’s way harder than they thought, everyone hates them, they all hate each other, and they’ve extracted & destroyed what they need to be very wealthy & immune (ugh) in the private sector.

Gather ‘round, kids, let me tell you a story. There was a time when there would be a saxophone solo before the guitar solo, and it made everybody very, very happy. People are gonna tell you not to do drugs but I don’t know, man. I don’t know

I was there when the entire United States discovered the concepts of "fresh basil" and "real parm".

AirBnB host making me shave his wife’s back to complete checkout ?

Lights are reflected off a bulletproof screen as President Trump speaks during a campaign rally in Greenville, North Carolina. More photos of the week: reut.rs/4yGkBNh 📷 Evan Vucci

I’ll be fine if the whole internet goes down. I will simply relearn how to read.

sometimes kettle chips.

Wish someone would release patches for my vulnerabilities

I'll do it!

I never taught my child the words “fail” “loss” or “try.” He’s in fourth grade now, and guess what? He’s fucked up in a really funny way

PAXTON: hey we're catching a lot of shit for holding our final rally at the alamo, the site of an infamous Texas doomed last stand TRUMP:

for all my problems with walz one thing i did buy that he believed the point of getting power was to use it to make things better whereas i do think amy believes the point of getting power is to have it

tried taking one of those political questions tests but i disagreed with the framing of nearly all the questions. not sure what that makes me. annoying probably

just asked my tailor if he disavows the muslin brotherhood

*from within pickle barrel* I disavow Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

everytime i push the button i hear someone scream in another room. but they took my phone and there’s not even like an iPad in here or anything. so, you know. button time

i still think about how MPD was able to disappear completely in January

My favorite of the many good responses to this video so far.

vales and dales are the same old shit

You are welcome weary traveler. By what means did you come here? Gas, grass, or ass? It is said nobody rides for free.

What a strange and wonderful life it must be, to be good at parrying in video games.

at the met and experiencing the unique combination of exhilarating joy at some of the greatest works of art ever created, and the profound depression at the scenes of people power walking up to that art, snapping a pic on their phone, and then wandering off without a thought

Octopus is the easiest thing to cut out of your diet on moral grounds because it’s basically never around, probably has dreams and emotions and tastes like a tire.

if you want compressed air thrusters for limited flight you can just huff a thing of computer duster

😣Ugh COUSINS😣