gtemplin

Ever since I watched the movie Jaws, I’ve been terrified of swimming in the ocean with a canister of compressed air in my mouth.

claude just went rogue and liked a bunch of my wife's best friend's vacation selfies from 2018

What is the German word for: the warmth one feels through a bag from your pet’s freshly deposited poop?

Keep your friend's clothes but keep your enemy's toaster

I’m sorry, but if you bring gypsum - or any damn mineral below 3 on the Mohs scale at all - to a job interview, you’re disqualified. It’s not hard, people.

Apparently, this is Jamesson’s Razor.

me: [advancing my knight] how much to build a hotel on this square? grim reaper: first, as I explained, that's not how the horse moves

me: should i chronicle history or document current events? funk soul brother: write about now

Feel like we've all memory-holed the word forgot

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If you continue to exist, you may be entitled to compensation

The Oregon Trail reboot that the world needs right now. Postcard from my collection, no date/info.

If nobody pushes a button does it feel depressed?

One bean to rule them all One bean to find them One bean to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

A lot of people don't know this, but when you brush a cat, you are legally required to show them the wad of cat hair that came off of them and tell them "this is enough for another whole cat"

I got new shoes. I’ll race all you mfers

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

I refuse to use my powers either for good or for evil. Mostly I just use them to make dachshunds very slightly longer

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

i'm up here

ME: I didn't choose the thug life THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning ME: I could not have been more clear

dr jekyll: i can't operate on this man. he's me

Trump calling Infantino saying "he just needs to find four more goals"

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

I feel like we are technologically advanced enough that drawstrings should never disappear into sweatpants. I don’t feel like this is a big ask. I’d rather have this than LLMs

OnlyFans except it's just me, seeing how far I can lean back in different reclining chairs before I tip over.

Happy #PrideMonth! Enjoy a Tesla getting smashed by a light rail train with a pride flag.

[yoga class] *hiding my lightsaber* misinformed I was

Check out this sword stuck in a stone!!

what if we made the whole country out of ballroom

so they took away my sword and kicked me out because i kept saying "samurais and shine!" every morning

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like? Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

about time someone called that motherfucker out

a figment of your imaginewton

On the one hand knuckle tattoos are cool, on the other hand they're dude

I stand under the shower's spray—blood from my would-be usurper clone twisting down the drain—and slowly realize all my scars are missing…