oldfossil.bsky.social

benadryl at night, hat man's delight

Dude I saw you autosave before walking up to me whats up man we cool

another day thinking about The Mouse, The Bird, And The Sausage (totally wild deep-ish cut Grimm fairytale of which every part is more off the rails than the last)

You’ve been suspicious your girl might be a termite and then she orders the house salad

My students are always learning my six sacred techniques then trying to use them against me in battle. Obviously I'm going to use the secret seventh technique to defeat them. Every day with this.

I'll probably stop using theatrical trapdoors eventually, it's just a stage I'm going through

Whenever my boss wants me to do something I perform a series of dodge rolls until he loses track of me and eventually returns to his usual patrol route

Everyone who has ever been bored at school can relate to this. A child filled the margins with drawings and writing exercises, experimenting, doodling, passing the time. 🧵⬇️ (1/4)

the internet archive is truly a magical place

This is why it's important authors read a lot, Murakami has no idea this has been done already

MAJOR UPDATE: I found the best free restaurant bread in the United States www.theatlantic.com/magazine/202...

Psst, hey kid, wanna see some good news?

There is no McTry.

(Making you a sandwich) Would you like it cloven in twain?

no matter how bad it gets there will always be #caturday

Miss Piggy, however, has always been a pig.

Meet the Losers Who Still Want to Read and Think With Their Own Brains

People shouldn't be having gunfights at high noon. They should be eating lunch

Leonardo DiCaprio has stopped using Wikipedia.

it's the big day

if you want a long read that involves udders, a hot air balloon, and some extremely dubious data on egg prices, the story I’ve been working on for the last few months where I tried to single-handedly take on every government function myself is now online! www.theatlantic.com/magazine/202...

Me: I'm going to spend some time reflecting on New Year's Day. Secret Dracula: Me too. I love reflecting and I love the day.

Hate it when I wake up in a wider gyre than the one I went to sleep in

yeah

And to Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, but merely took a measured, near-lethal dose of tetrodotoxin; a neurotoxin found in the pufferfish, that can emulate the appearance of death. Which is why his body disappeared right before the second murder! He was never the first victim, but the killer himself!

the grinch literally stole christmas. and of course Dr. Seuss, who’s always been desperate for eyeballs and clicks and ad dollars, platforms him. 🙄

an advent calendar with each day providing a small piece of the mystical sword needed to fight Santa when he finally breaks in

I got a Peanuts advent calendar with a little figurine for each day and so far the paint jobs have been… alarming. I think this is supposed to be Rerun but it looks like the ghost of Alfalfa from Little Rascals.

Seeing William Carlos Williams in my house and anxiously making small talk while I maneuver my way over to my ice box to check something.

When I encounter myself as a different colored cursor because I have the Google Doc open in two tabs

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

“some people abuse SNAP” your soul is rotten

for all people mock it wikipedia is genuinely one of the wonders of the modern world

Orange Jewelweed [Impatiens capensis] Spotted Touch-me-not #EastCoastKin #Stunday #ColorADay #OrangeSun #flower #native #nature #botany #autumn #garden #annual #photograph #macro #closeup