The Fishpants

A Hellboy sequel where he finally grows up to be Hellman so he can take over the family mayonnaise business

Feed your pet an hour early 🐈 #pet #cat #dog #catlife #doglife #fish #wintertime #timeshift #timechange

Nothing makes you feel older and fatter than getting out of a bathtub.

"what was your biggest impact on the internet?" This silliness that got like 43k likes at the bad place after years of trying to write top-notch jokes. Also, I love that Descartes one

I achieved almost everything I hoped to in birdwatching. No egrets.

Sneaking a fully grown Saguaro cactus into the movies

“IS IT AI?!” i scream as i slice myself a piece of cake

i’m not afraid of a colonoscopy i did pretty good in english class

ME: Okay, so we’re done shitting, right? MY BOWELS: Absolutely. No more shit in there. ME: Because we’ve been sitting here a few minutes and no new news. MY BOWELS: No yeah. Done shitting. Shit levels are zero. ME: You’re sure? MY BOWELS: 100%. ME: Okay then [standing up] MY BOWELS: WAIT WAIT WAIT

Could everyone please coordinate themselves and all fuck off at the same time

I'm just saying, ONE of these billionaires could have become Batman by now

★★★ Review "Won $1K playing blackjack (yay!), then backed into a lamp post in the parking lot and didn't want wife to know I was gambling so I said I'd been rear-ended on the highway but then she found the receipt from the casino and moved to her sisters (boo)." Clancy S., Davenport, IA

I got the Covid vaccine and sure enough five years later sent a text to the wrong person

I’m starting to think you guys just enjoy saying nor’easter like you’re a bunch of grizzled sea captains talking to lonely barmaids

I love this time of year, just before whatever terrible thing happens next.

Gorillaz but they are actually the Monkees

Rage against the machine but the machine is my country

I had a thought but don’t worry, I salted the earth so nothing like it ever grows again.

Babe, get the fuck up & do Islands In the Stream on karaoke w me or I swear to God I will pull the pin out of this fuckin grenade

feed a cold starve a saturday night fever

First rule of Shite Club, don’t talk shite about Shite Club. We’re trying to get new members FFS! 🙋‍♂️ Do you think we should change the name? THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE NAME! YOU NEED TO TALK THAT SHIT UP! 🙋‍♀️ .but.but..it just sounds a bit shite. FFS! THIS NEGATIVITY IS RUINING SHITE CLUB!

Granted, I haven't seen Blue Velvet in a while, but that's not how I would describe it... www.arrowfilms.com/p/blue-velve...

guy at work said “oh you one of them saunter into a room mfers huh?” and I’m so relieved to finally be out of the saunter closet

Gather ‘round the campfire and let me spin you a yarn, kids. Much like St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland, we celebrate the autumnal equinox here to honour the day that, legend has it, Don Henley drove the boys back out of town

Learning to Fly - Pink Floyd Jailbreak - AC/DC I Can See Clearly Now - Johnny Nash Higher & Higher - Jackie Wilson Too High - Stevie Wonder Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash Free Fallin’ - Tom Petty Splish Splash - Bobby Darrin ~ Icarus’ playlist

If I say that I am attracted to you, it's like a turkey vulture to the abandoned carcass of a seal on shore.

Yes I put names on lists. I keep several lists: Cowardly Little Bitch Solstice cards Christmas cards Leave it to Karma Jumbo Cinnamon Roll call back Deserves to Lose an Eyebrow Better Looking than Jason Mamoa Hit with truck if you can get away with it

Today’s tears are just softening the earth for the rise of tomorrow’s rage.

[any dangerous situation] me: don’t worry y’all I’m the main character I can’t die