Catastrophic meowtzidown (trouble/tribble)

Jesus H. Kristofferson

they’re taking me in to get ceramic coated tomorrow

I hope my enemies eat shit and my friends eat delicious hors d'oeuvres

Dearly bewildered, we are gathered here today to figure out why we are here and what is happening

Me: [forgetting the word pineapple] one large fruit grenade please

it’s batman day

You’re really pretty, wanna hit me with a shovel?

I am not officially part of the orchestra, but that’s not gonna stop me from playing this goddam trumpet.

Why's it called erectile dysfunction and not cocknitive decline?

Are we allowed to look directly at the moon? Feels unaddressed.

It's pretty apt that the i is in the middle of 'hurricane'

Evolution of communication: 1990’s: page me 2000’s: call me back after 9 when it's free 2010’s: text me 2020’s: send me a picture of your cat

you wouldnt be able to tell from the amount of laundry i produce but i am in fact just one man

Trees are wind instruments. Fight me.

I can’t sleep with all that racket going on out there *closes window* Alexa, play nature sounds

Pardon me, is this road less traveled by? I don't normally bring an empty barstool out to the woods and gesture as if some path sits alone and approachable next to it but I saw you from across the zooming in on google satellite maps and

A pigeon built a nest for her kitty friend when the cat became pregnant. This unusual act of interspecies care highlights the remarkable capacity for empathy and connection that can exist between different animals. 😍❤️❤️🐈🐦‍⬛

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

Today's antique store find is this glass swan powder box from the 40s. I love the color and had to have it ❤️

[@ HomeDepot™️] guy: im hammered. wanna screw ? his gf: are you nuts ? *bolts* guy: nailed it [annnnnnnd *send* 😬]

Do flat earthers meet year round?

my face when trying to take a selfie: I can give you resting bitch face or unhinged psycho smile there is no in between so what’ll it be

this girl is my everything.

Coffee at dawn

Can't drive Don't have a car If I park my butt under a no parking sign will I be arrested?

Hold up...time for some pharmaceutical remedies...

Glass Ton Berry

'Tis Buttermere flesh wound

the problem with the whole wide leg pants trend is that it does not work well when your legs are already wide by default

Suddenly, being a witch isn’t good enough. Everyone wants to be a bog witch.