I know ball

Vivek Ramaswamy is one of those people that somehow got through life without a thoroughly well-deserved ass beating that probably would have been a net positive for both himself and the entire world.

i've identified the Dockers store where Michael Tracy bought and then subsequently returned these pants after wearing them. i will be pursuing criminal prosecution.

This guy's got one note, and that note is "I got called 'gay' once by a girl I had a crush on in high school."

$500,000 might not seem like a lot for an NFL owner like Jed York but you have to remember: that’s enough for him to have had sex 3,125 times at his preferred rate of $160

Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor https://theonion.com/recipe-passed-down-from-grandma-gussied-up-to-be-less-p-1837972213/

“He definitely isn’t fluent, and I doubt he’ll ever get there, but he’s truly come a long way from being unable to pronounce a single word intelligibly.” — Xi Jinping

JD Vance Booed  By Own Reflection  In Mirror https://theonion.com/jd-vance-booed-by-own-reflection-in-mirror/

It is tough to describe to non-locals just how much he was laughed at for like a decade for being a terrible writer with zero insightful thoughts. Putting the bigotry aside, just a dud from day one.

BREAKING: Ed Sheeran overcorrects, joins Hezbollah

i know ross douthat might have the charisma of pocket lint and a really annoying voice, but thats not why he’s on TV. he’s on TV bc he’s so fucking sexy

Donald Trump if he isn’t interior decorating

Editor: You get that photo of Caleb Williams showing off the new uniform? Photographer: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked. Editor: what

WRONG 80 YEAR OLD

buying the VIP tickets that let you sit on the stage and jerk off onto a tarp

Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise Face Off Alone On ‘Celebrity Family Feud’

Pool Owner Has Bathing Suit That Touched His Penis You Can Borrow https://theonion.com/pool-owner-has-bathing-suit-that-touched-his-penis-you-1819575301/

Phil lost the game in the headline 2-0 and was fired the next week

been a lot of talk about this but if you look closely you can see the exact moment chelsea gray told her that lindsey graham died

Deeply saddened to learn of the loss of my dear friend Satan, the Prince of Lies. Though we often disagreed about matters such as the appropriate role of torture in the afterlife, I will most remember how his quick wit and affable nature made our weekly golf outings a ritual. He will be missed.

Weird how this never applies to the Second Amendment.

It’s one bag of chips, Michael. What could it cost, $9?

Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia https://theonion.com/trump-boasts-annual-physical-turned-up-no-signs-of-pedophilia/

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander Trying To Draw Foul While Shooting Free Throw

theonion.com/trump-reques...

Musk v Altman JUDGE: The jury has sent a question and the answer is no, the death penalty is not "available for both sides" please return to the jury room and limit your consideration to civil damages.

Well, I think Elon and Trump have been on the same flight logs before

The world would be a better place if more people moved as if they were aware they could get their shit rocked at any time for being an asshole

In what is the 11th Cybertruck recall, certain models of Elon Musk’s embattled pickup could experience a sudden, unexpected wheel separation, thanks to the wrong grease and loose nuts. www.wired.com/story/the-la...

one of the worst places to run into an ex is while you're using a Coinstar machine

This is real

Travel writer Rick Steves on Washington's newly signed "Millionaires Tax"

Opinion | By killing schoolchildren en masse, we are giving Iranians the freedom and liberty that Americans have enjoyed in Littleton, Newtown, Parkland, and Uvalde.

NOEM TAKING QUESTIONS - DOES NOT APPEAR TO KNOW SHE WAS FIRED

look very fit and capable of making sound decisions, sir!

The Wellington Phoenix went on to lose 5-0. Their manager, Giancarlo Italiano (his real name), resigned in the post game press conference and said he would probably get drunk that evening. Understandable.

Trump Suffers Setback Unrelated To Child Rape

Yesterday morning kids were sent running from their bus stop in panic because ICE showed up. This guy at today’s ICE Out of Lindenwold protest is a must watch 😭. @maddow.bsky.social

Courage is contagious. Let’s keep going.